PBIS: Resiliency

Sample Lesson - Introduction

Lesson 1.01: Criticism

 

Their powers are mostly confined to butt-sniffing. (Source)

Being criticized is never fun. Really, it happens to everyone and so often that, by rights, it should be fun. We, collectively as a species, should have found a way to make it fun. Maybe with marbles, hippos, or ice cream.

The problem is, criticism is important. No matter what you end up doing with your life, you're going to be doing something. It doesn't matter if you end up being a rock star or stay-at-home parent—you're doing something. And when you do something, you could always be doing that something better.

The purpose of criticism is to point out how you could be doing something better. That's not always the purpose of critics, and that's where you run into your first problem. A lot of the time, critics just want to put someone down. They escaped from under a bridge and are going to be cranky until they find a goat to eat. It's tough to deal with someone like that, even if what they're saying is technically correct.

We never said it would be easy, but that's what resilience is all about. You're not learning the easy stuff. You're learning the effective stuff.

You're going to learn how to grow that thick skin you're supposed to need for criticism. You'll be separating the good from the bad, learning how to identify each one. There are pretty easy techniques for doing this. When you master them all, criticism won't hurt you in the slightest. In fact, whenever someone criticizes you, they're just giving you a roadmap on how to improve.

After this, that's pretty much your superpower.

Sample Lesson - Reading

Reading 1.1.01: Criticism

You know what they say: everyone's a critic. They also say that opinions are like belly buttons: everybody's got one.

What we're trying to say is this: your friends, family, teachers, coaches, and sometimes even total strangers are going to make it their business to tell you what they think—whether you ask them to or not. Your basketball coach is going to have an opinion on your dunking technique. Your best friend's going to have an opinion on your boyfriend. And Mom's definitely going to have an opinion on your new Jon Snow tattoo—if she ever finds out about it.

Resiliency in the face of criticism is fundamentally about knowing what you're facing and taking what you can from it. Ask yourself…

• Is the criticism fair?
• Who's it coming from?
• How can you get the maximum benefit out of what they're saying?

First, you need to know the difference between constructive and destructive criticism. One's good and the other one's bad. (We're guessing you can already tell which is which.) Then, you're going to learn about some basic techniques for taking criticism. For starters, you're going to strip emotion out of the equation. That's what trips people up most often.

When you're done, you'll be weathering criticism like a champ.

Constructive and Destructive Criticism

Constructive criticism is the good stuff. Let's say you wrote a short story and showed it to your friend Matt. If Matt says something like, "This is awful. You should feed it, and yourself, to piranhas," that's not constructive at all. However, if Matt says, "This was pretty good. What would be better is if, in the end, your main character fed someone to piranhas," that's constructive. It's something you can actually use to make yourself or your work better, if you choose. It's also kind of obsessed with piranhas. Matt's a weird dude.

The difference is right there in that word "constructive." Matt was constructing something—namely, you and your story. He was building you up. He gave you a solid piece of feedback on how to potentially improve your story. He brought fresh perspective and noticed something you didn't. Whether he's right or wrong about adding the piranhas is, at the moment, unimportant. The fact that he gave you a possibly useful suggestion makes Matt's criticism constructive.

When Matt suggested you feed yourself to piranhas, on the other hand, that was destructive criticism. Matt barely mentioned the story in that example, opting instead to just insult you. Not only is that thoroughly unhelpful, it's also pretty hurtful—and that's why it's destructive. That's also why you should always look at what the person is saying when they serve up a critique. If there's a potential path to improvement, it's constructive in some way—even if it comes from a source you might not like.

Haters

Often, the source of a critique is just an eternally critical person. You know a guy or a gal like this, maybe by a nickname like "downer," "jerkface," or "my Aunt Karen." They're the ones who find fault with anything and everything, and live to point out flaws the way the rest of us live for Pizza Night. They seem happiest when they're unhappy with something.

The quickest way of dealing with people like this is to simply ignore them. It's not necessarily the easiest way, though. When somebody's wrong—especially somebody who's super-critical of you—it's really hard not to throw it in their smug face. Here's the thing, though: you're not going to win this fight. No one ever does. Haters are going to hate, period. While resilience is about facing off against seemingly impossible odds, you're better off using your strength elsewhere when it comes to these endlessly judgmental, "gotta be right" folks.

What if a perpetually critical person actually has a solid point? It happens sometimes, and it can be incredibly difficult to take. Just remember that, in a case like this, just because they were right once doesn't make them right on everything. Think about it: a broken clock is right twice a day. Take what you can from them, but always be aware of who they are—and don't worry; they'll remind you. Often.

What's the Point?

Criticism is all about learning and improvement. The worthwhile critic is pointing out a way you can up your game. Look for those helpful points and filter out the rest of it. The best way to do this is to forget about the tone of the criticism. Make like Joe Friday and get "just the facts, ma'am" (or sir). Ignore the emotions.

Let's say your best friend Rhonda tells you, in front of everybody in the Juniors department, that she thinks the prom dress you're trying on makes your butt look big. Like IMAX movie big. You should probably just lock Rhonda in a dressing room and leave her there to be found by the overnight cleaning crew, right?

Before you start wedging a clothes rack under the door knob, try focusing on the facts. Rhonda may lack tact, and Rhonda may not know how to be discreet, but what if Rhonda was on to something about your dress? Sure, she could've presented her case a little better—okay, way better—but the fact remains that, to her, something's not quite right about your frock. Making the most of criticism means ignoring the how, where, and when, and zeroing in on what's being said.

How to Deal

Emotions simply aren't helpful when listening to criticism. We're not saying you should turn into an unfeeling robot or Mr. Spock. First of all, that's impossible—at least without a very costly medical procedure. Second of all, it's unnecessary. Here's what you should do instead. Take some time and analyze the criticism. There's always the chance the person dishing it out was wrong, and if that's the case, why bother with a response? You have way better things to do. On the other hand, if there's a gem of rightness in there, you don't want to look through a haze of anger and hurt feelings to find it.

We have a tendency to respond to criticism instantly by getting defensive. We're born that way as humans. We like to sleep on the cool side of the pillow, we think cat videos are hilarious, we'd eat nachos for every meal if we could, and when somebody criticizes us, we want to defend ourselves. We're talking about dismissing criticism with a snippy remark, delivering an insult, or changing the subject. We turn into the Millennium Falcon when it has put up its shields. Sure, the TIE fighters have a harder time hurting it with blaster cannons, but what if one of them wanted to shoot a…valentine...for Chewbacca, maybe?

Okay, sorry, that one got away from us.

The point is, with shields up, when you're defensive, you're not going to get anything out of the criticism at all—not even the good stuff. That's not being resilient; that's being obstinate. It's not helpful to you in the slightest.

All of this is maybe a long way of saying don't take it personally—which can be really difficult, especially if you're talking about something you put your heart into, like a short film, a song, or an event you spent weeks planning. When you pour your blood, sweat, and tears into something, criticism of that bloody, sweaty, tear-streaked thing can all too easily seem like a criticism of you. It's not. Trust us.

Seriously. It's not. We're repeating ourselves because this is important.

The weirdest way to help yourself when you're criticism-ed out? Smile. Sounds like a joke, right? It's not. There's plenty of good science that says that even faking a smile has the effect of making you happier. It also helps in social situations by signaling to the other person that you're in a good mood. We mean, don't get all pod person on the critic—a clearly unnatural smile can be extremely creepy—but smile. It helps.

Remember, resilience isn't necessarily about just standing up to being pounded. It's about being knocked down and coming back stronger. Criticism is your roadmap to that goal. It's how you learn, grow, and improve, and it would be silly to waste it.

Sample Lesson - Activity