The U.S. is Too Good to Be an Empire
- Bryan acknowledges that sure, the U.S. has dabbled in what some might possibly maybe see as kinda-sorta imperialism. Perhaps…
- But U.S. westward expansionism? Eh, that's small potatoes compared to the Philippines. That's not real empire.
- Bryan tells everyone that if real empire happened in the U.S., all kinds of craziness would happen.
- Giant robot chinchillas could rule over the country, he warns, policing our every move and making sure that everyone adheres to their chinchilla ways.*
- *There is, unfortunately, no actual mention of robot chinchillas in Bryan's speech. He does, however, think imperialism is a no-go.
- Just in case he didn't get his anti-Republican stance across enough, Bryan starts laying out everything that he thinks is wrong with the pro-imperial agenda of the Republican Party.
- Some Republicans think duty is a legit reason to hold onto the Philippines.
- Bryan says, essentially, "Duty-shmuty."
- Other Republicans believe that the Filipinos are too ignorant to govern themselves.
- Bryan thinks that's ridiculous.
- These are the main arguments for empire, according to Bryan:
- First, the U.S. totally needs to start kicking butt and taking names in international politics.
- Second, empire = $$$. The money will just start rolling in if we empire-build.
- Third, we have to spread the word of God. Because, you know, the Spanish Catholics didn't do that already.
- And fourth, we're in too deep to pull out now. How would it look if we just stopped trying to be an empire now? Wouldn't the Filipinos feel ripped off?
- But Bryan wants to assure every Democrat in the room that this is all just Republican propaganda.
- International politics? Um, we're pretty good at that already. More Money? You don't need to own a country to trade with it. Too deep? The U.S. never goes too deep.
- But Bryan was a religious man and he takes serious offense to the religious argument. Christians don't own or dominate in Bryan's vision.
- They spread love. Gooey, sentimental and wide-eyed love your neighbor kind of love.
- Empires don't spread love. Bryan doesn't love those things that don't spread love to those you love in a loving way.