Enter Beggar (Christopher Sly) and Hostess. SLY I’ll feeze you, in faith. HOSTESS A pair of stocks, you rogue! SLY You’re a baggage! The Slys are no rogues. Look
in the chronicles. We came in with Richard Conqueror.
Therefore, paucas pallabris, let the world 5
slide. Sessa! HOSTESS You will not pay for the glasses you have
burst? SLY No, not a denier. Go, by Saint Jeronimy! Go to
thy cold bed and warm thee. He lies down. 10 HOSTESS I know my remedy. I must go fetch the
headborough. She exits. SLY Third, or fourth, or fifth borough, I’ll answer him
by law. I’ll not budge an inch, boy. Let him come,
and kindly. 15 Falls asleep. | This play begins with an "induction," which serves as a kind of frame for the story. A belligerent beggar (Sly) is arguing with the Hostess of a bar. He's busted a bunch of glasses but won't pay for them. He threatens to beat the Hostess, calls her a whore, mixes up William the Conqueror's name, and misquotes a play. When the Hostess runs off to fetch the law, Sly continues to talk trash to nobody in particular until he passes out cold. |
Wind horns within. Enter a Lord from hunting, with
his train. LORD
Huntsman, I charge thee tender well my hounds.
Breathe Merriman (the poor cur is embossed)
And couple Clowder with the deep-mouthed brach.
Saw’st thou not, boy, how Silver made it good
At the hedge corner, in the coldest fault? 20
I would not lose the dog for twenty pound! FIRST HUNTSMAN
Why, Bellman is as good as he, my lord.
He cried upon it at the merest loss,
And twice today picked out the dullest scent.
Trust me, I take him for the better dog. 25 LORD
Thou art a fool. If Echo were as fleet,
I would esteem him worth a dozen such.
But sup them well, and look unto them all.
Tomorrow I intend to hunt again. FIRST HUNTSMAN I will, my lord. 30 First Huntsman exits. LORD, noticing Sly
What’s here? One dead, or drunk? See doth he
breathe. SECOND HUNTSMAN
He breathes, my lord. Were he not warmed with ale,
This were a bed but cold to sleep so soundly. LORD
O monstrous beast, how like a swine he lies! 35
Grim death, how foul and loathsome is thine image!
Sirs, I will practice on this drunken man.
What think you, if he were conveyed to bed,
Wrapped in sweet clothes, rings put upon his
fingers, 40
A most delicious banquet by his bed,
And brave attendants near him when he wakes,
Would not the beggar then forget himself? THIRD HUNTSMAN
Believe me, lord, I think he cannot choose. SECOND HUNTSMAN
It would seem strange unto him when he waked. 45 LORD
Even as a flatt’ring dream or worthless fancy.
Then take him up, and manage well the jest.
Carry him gently to my fairest chamber,
And hang it round with all my wanton pictures;
Balm his foul head in warm distillèd waters, 50
And burn sweet wood to make the lodging sweet;
Procure me music ready when he wakes
To make a dulcet and a heavenly sound.
And if he chance to speak, be ready straight
And, with a low, submissive reverence, 55
Say “What is it your Honor will command?”
Let one attend him with a silver basin
Full of rosewater and bestrewed with flowers,
Another bear the ewer, the third a diaper,
And say “Will ’t please your Lordship cool your 60
hands?”
Someone be ready with a costly suit,
And ask him what apparel he will wear.
Another tell him of his hounds and horse,
And that his lady mourns at his disease. 65
Persuade him that he hath been lunatic,
And when he says he is, say that he dreams,
For he is nothing but a mighty lord.
This do, and do it kindly, gentle sirs.
It will be pastime passing excellent 70
If it be husbanded with modesty. THIRD HUNTSMAN
My lord, I warrant you we will play our part
As he shall think by our true diligence
He is no less than what we say he is. | Along come the Lord and his posse, looking to kick back a few cold beers after a long day of hunting. The Lord and the Huntsmen talk about how awesome their hunting dogs are when they notice Sly asleep on the ground. The Lord, who basically owns the entire countryside, is totally disgusted. He decides to play an elaborate prank to teach Sly a lesson. The Lord gives his hunstmen orders to take Sly to his fancy country estate, clean him up, and surround him with delicious food, great music, and obedient servants. The plan, he says, is to trick Sly into believing he is a nobleman instead of a drunken beggar. While walking over to his place, the Lord continues to play director. He tells his crew to pretend Sly is a great lord whose recent illness has his wife super-upset. Everyone agrees that this is an awesome idea. If they play their roles right, Sly will have no choice but to believe he's the person they say he is. |
LORD
Take him up gently, and to bed with him, 75
And each one to his office when he wakes. Sly is carried out.
Sound trumpets within. Sirrah, go see what trumpet ’tis that sounds. Servingman exits. Belike some noble gentleman that means
(Traveling some journey) to repose him here. Enter Servingman. How now? Who is it? 80 SERVINGMAN An ’t please your Honor, players
That offer service to your Lordship. LORD
Bid them come near. Enter Players. Now, fellows, you are welcome. PLAYERS We thank your Honor. 85 LORD
Do you intend to stay with me tonight? FIRST PLAYER
So please your Lordship to accept our duty. LORD
With all my heart. This fellow I remember
Since once he played a farmer’s eldest son.—
’Twas where you wooed the gentlewoman so well. 90
I have forgot your name, but sure that part
Was aptly fitted and naturally performed. SECOND PLAYER
I think ’twas Soto that your Honor means. LORD
’Tis very true. Thou didst it excellent.
Well, you are come to me in happy time, 95
The rather for I have some sport in hand
Wherein your cunning can assist me much.
There is a lord will hear you play tonight;
But I am doubtful of your modesties,
Lest, over-eying of his odd behavior 100
(For yet his Honor never heard a play),
You break into some merry passion,
And so offend him. For I tell you, sirs,
If you should smile, he grows impatient. FIRST PLAYER
Fear not, my lord, we can contain ourselves 105
Were he the veriest antic in the world. LORD, to a Servingman
Go, sirrah, take them to the buttery
And give them friendly welcome every one.
Let them want nothing that my house affords. One exits with the Players. Sirrah, go you to Bartholomew, my page, 110
And see him dressed in all suits like a lady.
That done, conduct him to the drunkard’s chamber,
And call him “Madam,” do him obeisance.
Tell him from me, as he will win my love,
He bear himself with honorable action, 115
Such as he hath observed in noble ladies
Unto their lords, by them accomplishèd.
Such duty to the drunkard let him do
With soft low tongue and lowly courtesy,
And say “What is ’t your Honor will command, 120
Wherein your lady and your humble wife
May show her duty and make known her love?”
And then with kind embracements, tempting kisses,
And with declining head into his bosom,
Bid him shed tears, as being overjoyed 125
To see her noble lord restored to health,
Who, for this seven years, hath esteemed him
No better than a poor and loathsome beggar.
And if the boy have not a woman’s gift
To rain a shower of commanded tears, 130
An onion will do well for such a shift,
Which (in a napkin being close conveyed)
Shall in despite enforce a watery eye.
See this dispatched with all the haste thou canst.
Anon I’ll give thee more instructions. 135 A Servingman exits. I know the boy will well usurp the grace,
Voice, gait, and action of a gentlewoman.
I long to hear him call the drunkard “husband”!
And how my men will stay themselves from
laughter 140
When they do homage to this simple peasant,
I’ll in to counsel them. Haply my presence
May well abate the over-merry spleen
Which otherwise would grow into extremes. They exit. | Sly is carried up to a bedroom. Meanwhile, a bunch of actors just happen to show up at the estate offering entertainment. Being a big theater buff, the Lord offers to let them crash for the night in exchange for some entertainment. He tells them he'd like them to put on a play for a fellow "Lord" but there's one small thing: the actors can't laugh at this guy when he acts like a hillbilly who has never seen a play before. This is no problem for the theater troupe—they are actors after all. Acting, however, is thirsty work, so they wander off to the pantry to get some drinks and to maybe grab a little snack before the private performance. This is nice for the actors, but the Lord's work isn't quite done—since he still needs someone to pretend to be Sly's wife, he tells one of his lackeys to fetch his best boy servant, Bartholomew, and to dress up Bart like a trophy wife. The Lord gives all sorts of pointers on how the role of an obedient nobleman's wife should be played—what she should wear, how she should speak and act, and what to do if Bart can't make himself cry on cue (use an onion, of course). The Lord is psyched about his practical joke and can't wait to see what will happen when Sly sees Bart dressed like a woman. Not wanting his servants to screw things up, the Lord runs off to the bedroom to supervise. |