Overworked Intern. Salary: $30,000 

How can you get anything done around here with Dr. Mike breathing down your neck? What does it matter if you used the form that was robin's egg blue instead of the sea foam green one? And he's always double-checking your analyses and making pointed remarks about your penmanship. It's not like you need him around 24/7, anyway. He doesn't have to babysit you, or...wait, where's he going? Dr. Mike? Don't leave me.

Postdoctoral Student. Salary: $40,000

You will never again take a grant for granted, not since you've spent a gajillion hours writing this one. At least you got to stay at the university with Dr. Ahzum, though. Her work on the traumatic effects of acne is breaking out everywhere. Maybe you'll get a mention in her next big publication.

Psychologist. Salary: $68,000

You've had tons of applicants for your latest sleep study (a lot of parents have expressed an interest, too, but there isn't enough memory foam to go around). You've also been asked to advise a local hospital how to furnish their children's bedrooms. Your first official recommendation? Get rid of the scary clown wallpaper.

Veteran Psychologist. Salary: $80,000

You've been selected to represent your state on the APA's Council of Representatives! Oh, the power...it shouldn't take too much time away from your bustling private practice, though. And plans are still on for that conference in Hawaii, where you'll present your paper, "Department Store Santas: the Ho-Ho-Horror!" 

Celebrity Psychologist. Salary: $100,000+

Move over Pavlov. Wait...he's already dead. Well move over anyway. There's a new psychologist that's going down in the history books. Your work is going to be taught and revered for years to come. You're even doing interviews on TV. Right on.