You got booed off the stage at your first stand-up performance ever. You regret that your nephew ever asked you to come to his school and entertain his friends. Man, kids can be cruel.

The good news: You're really starting to become known on the open mic circuit. The bad news: You're really starting to become known on the open mic circuit.

You're actually getting paid once in a while to tell jokes! The clubs you play in are seedy and you have yet to perform to more filled seats than empty ones, but at least you have something to show for your effort. Also, you haven't been heckled in over a week.

You're a funny guy. You have an agent who books you on gigs around the country—you make enough to pay your rent—unfortunately, you hardly ever get to spend any time in the apartment you're paying rent for.

You've made the uber-successful transition from stage to television to movies. Your series of buddy cop movies that you made with Shia LaBeouf have done great at the box office. You're still a miserable human being and wish you could go back in time and change everything about your life, but boy are you making money!