Becoming an usher can be difficult—grueling even—but we're confident that you can get your foot in the door by preparing with this handy list of qualifications:

1. Be a person. If you can't ascend to the lofty heights of humanity, being a chimp may, in some cases, be considered acceptable. Lizards and other small quadrupeds need not apply.
     
2. Know your name. It's a sneaky question, but one that's bound to show up on the application. If you really want this job, you're going to need to know your name backward and forward, able to split it into "first" and "last," and transcribe it in any order requested. Get studying.
     
3. Learn to recognize seats. Being able to distinguish everyday household items such as ironing boards and toast from chairs is a critical qualification for this position. Make sure to practice this one.

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