Henry IV Part 2: Act 2, Scene 4 Translation

A side-by-side translation of Act 2, Scene 4 of Henry IV Part 2 from the original Shakespeare into modern English.

Original Text	Translated Text
Source: Folger Shakespeare Library
Enter Francis and another Drawer. FRANCIS What the devil hast thou brought there— applejohns? Thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an applejohn. SECOND DRAWER Mass, thou sayst true. The Prince once set a dish of applejohns before him and told 5 him there were five more Sir Johns and, putting off his hat, said “I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, old, withered knights.” It angered him to the heart. But he hath forgot that. FRANCIS Why then, cover and set them down, and see if 10 thou canst find out Sneak’s noise. Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear some music. Dispatch. The room where they supped is too hot. They’ll come in straight.	At a tavern (probably the Boar's Head) in Eastcheap, a couple of Drawers (waiters) argue about a dish of apples and then reminisce about the time Prince Hal insulted Falstaff by comparing him to a round, withered up, old apple. Falstaff was so mad.
Enter Will. WILL Sirrah, here will be the Prince and Master 15 Poins anon, and they will put on two of our jerkins and aprons, and Sir John must not know of it. Bardolph hath brought word. SECOND DRAWER By the Mass, here will be old utis. It will be an excellent stratagem. 20 FRANCIS I’ll see if I can find out Sneak. He exits with the Second Drawer.	The Drawers can't wait 'til Hal shows up tonight – the Prince and Poins are going to dress up like waiters so they can play a joke on Falstaff. It'll be a barrel of laughs, just like old times.
Enter Hostess and Doll Tearsheet. HOSTESS I’ faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an excellent good temperality. Your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as heart would desire, and your color, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in good 25 truth, la. But, i’ faith, you have drunk too much canaries, and that’s a marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say “What’s this?” How do you now? DOLL Better than I was. Hem. 30 HOSTESS Why, that’s well said. A good heart’s worth gold. Lo, here comes Sir John.	Mistress Quickly and Doll Tearsheet stumble in and they're rip-roaring drunk. Quickly says that Tearsheet's face is all red and she herself has had way too much wine.
Enter Sir John Falstaff. FALSTAFF, singing When Arthur first in court— To Will. Empty the jordan. Will exits. And was a worthy king— 35 How now, Mistress Doll?	Enter a drunken Falstaff, who's singing a song about King Arthur and Sir Lancelot, the "worthy knight." Falstaff pauses in between lyrics to shout that someone really ought to clean out the chamber pot. (That's Shakespeare's clever way of telling us Falstaff, who is decidedly not a "worthy knight," has just been using the toilet.) Then Falstaff greets Tearsheet and Quickly and this is what audiences (especially the "groundlings" in the cheap seats) have been waiting for. Let the trash talking begin.
HOSTESS Sick of a calm, yea, good faith. FALSTAFF So is all her sect. An they be once in a calm, they are sick. DOLL A pox damn you, you muddy rascal. Is that all the 40 comfort you give me? FALSTAFF You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll. DOLL I make them? Gluttony and diseases make them; I make them not. FALSTAFF If the cook help to make the gluttony, you 45 help to make the diseases, Doll. We catch of you, Doll, we catch of you. Grant that, my poor virtue, grant that. DOLL Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.	When Mistress Quickly says she's feeling sick and faint, Falstaff insults her (and all women) by saying that when women aren't feeling sick, they're usually out sleeping around. Tearsheet says she hopes Falstaff gets the "pox" (syphilis) and Falstaff retorts that men catch venereal diseases from women. Tearsheet snaps back that the only thing men "catch" from women are their "jewels." Translation: Men, especially Falstaff, are thieves. In other words, she's reminding Falstaff that he's always ripping off Mistress Quickly. (Hmm. Doll Tearsheet appears to be a lot smarter than Mistress Quickly. Good to know.)
FALSTAFF Your brooches, pearls, and ouches—for to 50 serve bravely is to come halting off, you know; to come off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely, to venture upon the charged chambers bravely— DOLL Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself! 55 HOSTESS By my troth, this is the old fashion. You two never meet but you fall to some discord. You are both, i’ good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts. You cannot one bear with another’s confirmities. What the good-year! One must bear, and to Doll 60 that must be you. You are the weaker vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel.	Falstaff, not to be outdone, compares sleeping with a woman and catching a venereal disease to being wounded in battle. Mistress Quickly thinks that all this insulting and sexually charged banter is great fun. It's just like old times. Then Quickly says that Doll Tearsheet is an empty vessel (a common term for a woman and also an empty cargo ship).
DOLL Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? There’s a whole merchant’s venture of Bordeaux stuff in him. You have not seen a hulk 65 better stuffed in the hold.—Come, I’ll be friends with thee, Jack. Thou art going to the wars, and whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is nobody cares.	Doll Tearsheet quips that an "empty vessel" could never carry such heavy cargo like Falstaff. (Translation: She could never bear the weight of him in bed.) Falstaff drinks so much booze that it would be like carrying an entire cargo of imported wine. Then Tearsheet makes nice with Falstaff, since he's going to war soon and may get himself killed.
Enter Drawer. DRAWER Sir, Ancient Pistol’s below and would speak 70 with you. DOLL Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come hither. It is the foul-mouthed’st rogue in England. HOSTESS If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by my faith, I must live among my neighbors. I’ll no 75 swaggerers. I am in good name and fame with the very best. Shut the door. There comes no swaggerers here. I have not lived all this while to have swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you. FALSTAFF Dost thou hear, hostess? 80 HOSTESS Pray you pacify yourself, Sir John. There comes no swaggerers here. FALSTAFF Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient. HOSTESS Tilly-vally, Sir John, ne’er tell me. And your ancient swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was 85 before Master Tisick the debuty t’ other day, and, as he said to me—’twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, i’ good faith—“Neighbor Quickly,” says he—Master Dumb, our minister, was by then— “Neighbor Quickly,” says he, “receive those that 90 are civil, for,” said he, “you are in an ill name.” Now he said so, I can tell whereupon. “For,” says he, “you are an honest woman, and well thought on. Therefore take heed what guests you receive. Receive,” says he, “no swaggering companions.” 95 There comes none here. You would bless you to hear what he said. No, I’ll no swaggerers. FALSTAFF He’s no swaggerer, hostess, a tame cheater, i’ faith. You may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound. He’ll not swagger with a Barbary hen if 100 her feathers turn back in any show of resistance.— Call him up, drawer. Drawer exits.	A Drawer enters and announces that Pistol is at the door. Mistress Quickly doesn't want him anywhere near the joint because he's such a "swaggering" trouble maker but Falstaff convinces her to let him in. But first, Falstaff makes a bawdy comment that Doll Tearsheet can "stroke" Pistol like a "puppy."
HOSTESS “Cheater” call you him? I will bar no honest man my house, nor no cheater, but I do not love swaggering. By my troth, I am the worse when one 105 says “swagger.” Feel, masters, how I shake; look you, I warrant you. DOLL So you do, hostess. HOSTESS Do I? Yea, in very truth, do I, an ’twere an aspen leaf. I cannot abide swaggerers. 110 Enter Ancient Pistol, Bardolph, and Page. PISTOL God save you, Sir John. FALSTAFF Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you with a cup of sack. Do you discharge upon mine hostess. PISTOL I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two 115 bullets. FALSTAFF She is pistol-proof. Sir, you shall not hardly offend her. HOSTESS Come, I’ll drink no proofs nor no bullets. I’ll drink no more than will do me good, for no man’s 120 pleasure, I. PISTOL Then, to you, Mistress Dorothy! I will charge you. DOLL Charge me? I scorn you, scurvy companion. What, you poor, base, rascally, cheating lack-linen 125 mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for your master. PISTOL I know you, Mistress Dorothy. DOLL Away, you cutpurse rascal, you filthy bung, away! By this wine, I’ll thrust my knife in your mouldy 130 chaps an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal, you basket-hilt stale juggler, you. Since when, I pray you, sir? God’s light, with two points on your shoulder? Much!	Pistol enters and he and Falstaff make some lewd comments about how Pistol should "discharge" his "pistol" on Mistress Quickly. When Pistol turns to Doll Tearsheet and suggests he should "discharge" on her as well, she calls him a slew of names (like "scurvy companion," and "mouldy rogue"). Then she whips out her trusty knife and tells him to get lost before she stabs him between his "mouldy chaps" (his cheeks).
PISTOL God let me not live but I will murder your ruff 135 for this. FALSTAFF No more, Pistol. I would not have you go off here. Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol. HOSTESS No, good Captain Pistol, not here, sweet captain! 140 DOLL Captain? Thou abominable damned cheater, art thou not ashamed to be called captain? An captains were of my mind, they would truncheon you out for taking their names upon you before you have earned them. You a captain? You slave, for what? 145 For tearing a poor whore’s ruff in a bawdy house? He a captain! Hang him, rogue. He lives upon mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain? God’s light, these villains will make the word as odious as the word “occupy,” which was an excellent 150 good word before it was ill sorted. Therefore captains had need look to ’t. BARDOLPH, to Pistol Pray thee go down, good ancient. FALSTAFF Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll. PISTOL, to Bardolph Not I. I tell thee what, Corporal 155 Bardolph, I could tear her. I’ll be revenged of her. PAGE Pray thee go down.	When Pistol threatens Doll Tearsheet, Mistress Quickly begs him not to start any trouble. Tearsheet lays into him again and the two continue to trade insults.
PISTOL I’ll see her damned first to Pluto’s damnèd lake, by this hand, to th’ infernal deep with Erebus and tortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say I. 160 Down, down, dogs! Down, Fates! Have we not Hiren here? He draws his sword. HOSTESS Good Captain Peesell, be quiet. ’Tis very late, i’ faith. I beseek you now, aggravate your choler. PISTOL These be good humors indeed. Shall pack-horses 165 and hollow pampered jades of Asia, which cannot go but thirty mile a day, compare with Caesars and with cannibals and Troyant Greeks? Nay, rather damn them with King Cerberus, and let the welkin roar. Shall we fall foul for toys? 170 HOSTESS By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words. BARDOLPH Begone, good ancient. This will grow to a brawl anon. PISTOL Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins! Have 175 we not Hiren here? HOSTESS O’ my word, captain, there’s none such here. What the good-year, do you think I would deny her? For God’s sake, be quiet. PISTOL Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis. Come, 180 give ’s some sack. Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento. Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire. Give me some sack, and, sweetheart, lie thou there. Laying down his sword. Come we to full points here? And are etceteras nothings? 185	Pistol, who has whipped out his sword, is all riled up and starts misquoting lines from famous plays like Christopher Marlowe's Tamburlaine Part 2 and George Peele's Battle of Alcazar.
FALSTAFF Pistol, I would be quiet. PISTOL Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What, we have seen the seven stars. DOLL For God’s sake, thrust him downstairs. I cannot endure such a fustian rascal. 190 PISTOL “Thrust him downstairs”? Know we not Galloway nags? FALSTAFF Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat shilling. Nay, an he do nothing but speak nothing, he shall be nothing here. 195 BARDOLPH Come, get you downstairs. PISTOL, taking up his sword What, shall we have incision? Shall we imbrue? Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days. Why then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds untwind the Sisters 200 Three. Come, Atropos, I say. HOSTESS Here’s goodly stuff toward! FALSTAFF Give me my rapier, boy. DOLL I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee do not draw. FALSTAFF, to Pistol Get you downstairs. They fight. 205 HOSTESS Here’s a goodly tumult. I’ll forswear keeping house afore I’ll be in these tirrits and frights. So, murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas, put up your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons. Bardolph and Pistol exit.	The brawling and smack talk continues until Falstaff takes Pistol's sword and tells him to scram. Pistol's not having any of that and the brawl ensues. Pistol and Falstaff stab wildly at each other until, finally, Bardolph tosses Pistol out on the street.
DOLL I pray thee, Jack, be quiet. The rascal’s gone. Ah, 210 you whoreson little valiant villain, you. HOSTESS, to Falstaff Are you not hurt i’ th’ groin? Methought he made a shrewd thrust at your belly. Enter Bardolph. FALSTAFF Have you turned him out o’ doors? BARDOLPH Yea, sir. The rascal’s drunk. You have hurt 215 him, sir, i’ th’ shoulder. FALSTAFF A rascal to brave me! DOLL Ah, you sweet little rogue, you. Alas, poor ape, how thou sweat’st! Come, let me wipe thy face. Come on, you whoreson chops. Ah, rogue, i’ faith, I 220 love thee. Thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than the Nine Worthies. Ah, villain! FALSTAFF Ah, rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket. 225 DOLL Do, an thou darest for thy heart. An thou dost, I’ll canvass thee between a pair of sheets.	Tearsheet and Quickly fawn over Falstaff, who has made quite a heroic showing. They want to make sure he didn't get stabbed in the groin by Pistol. Doll Tearsheet calls Falstaff pet names like "whoreson chops" as she tenderly wipes the sweat from his brow. Falstaff continues to show off by threatening to "toss" a sheet over Pistol and beat him to a pulp. Doll Tearsheet lovingly replies that she's going to "toss" Falstaff between her sheets later that night because he's such a brave guy.
Enter Musicians and Francis. PAGE The music is come, sir. FALSTAFF Let them play.—Play, sirs.—Sit on my knee, Doll. A rascal bragging slave! The rogue fled from 230 me like quicksilver. DOLL I’ faith, and thou followed’st him like a church. Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou leave fighting a-days and foining a-nights and begin to patch up thine old body for 235 heaven? Enter behind them Prince and Poins disguised. FALSTAFF Peace, good Doll. Do not speak like a death’s-head; do not bid me remember mine end.	A band of musicians arrive and the party heats up. Doll sits on Falstaff's knee and continues to call him pet names like a "tidy Bartholomew boar-pig" (a plump, roasted pig). Falstaff doesn't like being reminded of his mortality when he's about to go off to war and says as much.
DOLL Sirrah, what humor’s the Prince of? FALSTAFF A good shallow young fellow, he would have 240 made a good pantler; he would ’a chipped bread well. DOLL They say Poins has a good wit. FALSTAFF He a good wit? Hang him, baboon. His wit’s as thick as Tewkesbury mustard. There’s no more 245 conceit in him than is in a mallet. DOLL Why does the Prince love him so then? FALSTAFF Because their legs are both of a bigness, and he plays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, and drinks off candles’ ends for flap-dragons, and 250 rides the wild mare with the boys, and jumps upon joint stools, and swears with a good grace, and wears his boots very smooth like unto the sign of the Leg, and breeds no bate with telling of discreet stories, and such other gambol faculties he has that 255 show a weak mind and an able body, for the which the Prince admits him; for the Prince himself is such another. The weight of a hair will turn the scales between their avoirdupois.	Then the talk turns toward Prince Hal and Poins, who, by now, are in the tavern wearing disguises. Falstaff starts badmouthing the pair.
PRINCE, aside to Poins Would not this nave of a wheel 260 have his ears cut off? POINS Let’s beat him before his whore. PRINCE Look whe’er the withered elder hath not his poll clawed like a parrot. POINS Is it not strange that desire should so many years 265 outlive performance? FALSTAFF Kiss me, Doll. PRINCE, aside to Poins Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! What says th’ almanac to that? POINS And look whether the fiery trigon, his man, be 270 not lisping to his master’s old tables, his notebook, his counsel keeper. FALSTAFF, to Doll Thou dost give me flattering busses. DOLL By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart. 275 FALSTAFF I am old, I am old. DOLL I love thee better than I love e’er a scurvy young boy of them all. FALSTAFF What stuff wilt thou have a kirtle of? I shall receive money o’ Thursday; thou shalt have a cap 280 tomorrow. A merry song! Come, it grows late. We’ll to bed. Thou ’lt forget me when I am gone. DOLL By my troth, thou ’lt set me a-weeping an thou sayst so. Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return. Well, harken a’ th’ end. 285	Hal and Poins overhear Falstaff and respond in kind. They should beat up Falstaff, a dried up and impotent old man, in front of his girl, Doll Tearsheet. That would show him. Poins and Hal continue to eavesdrop on Tearsheet and Falstaff, who, by now, are making out and saying lovey-dovey things to each other. (Tearsheet says she loves Falstaff more than any of the other "scurvy young boy[s]" and Falstaff offers to buy her a nice outfit. Doll Tearsheet says she sure will miss Falstaff when he goes off to war.)
FALSTAFF Some sack, Francis. PRINCE, POINS, coming forward Anon, anon, sir. FALSTAFF Ha? A bastard son of the King’s?—And art not thou Poins his brother? PRINCE Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a 290 life dost thou lead? FALSTAFF A better than thou. I am a gentleman. Thou art a drawer. PRINCE Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by the ears. 295 HOSTESS O, the Lord preserve thy good Grace! By my troth, welcome to London. Now the Lord bless that sweet face of thine. O Jesu, are you come from Wales? FALSTAFF, to Prince Thou whoreson mad compound 300 of majesty, by this light flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome. DOLL How? You fat fool, I scorn you. POINS My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and turn all to a merriment if you take not the heat. 305 PRINCE, to Falstaff You whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did you speak of me even now before this honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman!	Falstaff calls for more wine so Hal and Poins emerge (since they're pretending to be waiters). Falstaff sees Hal and says "Ha, a bastard son of the King's." Hal insults Falstaff in kind. Mistress Quickly gets all excited that Prince Hal is there and Poins urges Hal to hurry up and give Falstaff a beating. Hal asks Falstaff how he could even dare to say such horrible things about him, the prince, in front of such a fine, upstanding, and virtuous "gentlewoman" like Doll Tearsheet.
HOSTESS God’s blessing of your good heart, and so she is, by my troth. 310 FALSTAFF, to Prince Didst thou hear me? PRINCE Yea, and you knew me as you did when you ran away by Gad’s Hill. You knew I was at your back, and spoke it on purpose to try my patience. FALSTAFF No, no, no, not so. I did not think thou wast 315 within hearing. PRINCE I shall drive you, then, to confess the wilfull abuse, and then I know how to handle you. FALSTAFF No abuse, Hal, o’ mine honor, no abuse. PRINCE Not to dispraise me and call me pantler and 320 bread-chipper and I know not what? FALSTAFF No abuse, Hal. POINS No abuse? FALSTAFF No abuse, Ned, i’ th’ world, honest Ned, none. I dispraised him before the wicked, (to 325 Prince) that the wicked might not fall in love with thee; in which doing, I have done the part of a careful friend and a true subject, and thy father is to give me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal.—None, Ned, none. No, faith, boys, none. 330 PRINCE See now whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with us. Is she of the wicked, is thine hostess here of the wicked, or is thy boy of the wicked, or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in 335 his nose, of the wicked? POINS Answer, thou dead elm, answer. FALSTAFF The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable, and his face is Lucifer’s privy kitchen, where he doth nothing but roast malt-worms. For 340 the boy, there is a good angel about him, but the devil blinds him too. PRINCE For the women? FALSTAFF For one of them, she’s in hell already and burns poor souls. For th’ other, I owe her money, 345 and whether she be damned for that I know not. HOSTESS No, I warrant you. FALSTAFF No, I think thou art not. I think thou art quit for that. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house 350 contrary to the law, for the which I think thou wilt howl. HOSTESS All vitlars do so. What’s a joint of mutton or two in a whole Lent? PRINCE, to Doll You, gentlewoman. 355 DOLL What says your Grace? FALSTAFF His grace says that which his flesh rebels against. Peto knocks at door. HOSTESS Who knocks so loud at door? Look to th’ door there, Francis. Francis exits. 360 Enter Peto. PRINCE Peto, how now, what news? PETO The King your father is at Westminster, And there are twenty weak and wearied posts Come from the north, and as I came along I met and overtook a dozen captains, 365 Bareheaded, sweating, knocking at the taverns And asking everyone for Sir John Falstaff.	Mistress Quickly, who doesn't understand that Hal's being a smart-aleck, says that she couldn't agree more. Doll Tearsheet is a great girl. Falstaff says something like, "Oh, you heard what I just said about you? I didn't know you were in earshot." Falstaff's in the process of talking his way out of the jam when Peto arrives and says a bunch of army captains are looking for Falstaff (who is supposed to be recruiting soldiers for the war, not having fun in the tavern).
PRINCE By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame So idly to profane the precious time When tempest of commotion, like the south 370 Borne with black vapor, doth begin to melt And drop upon our bare unarmèd heads.— Give me my sword and cloak.—Falstaff, good night. Prince, Peto, and Poins exit.	Prince Hal says he feels bad that he's been wasting time in the tavern when so much is going on in the world and the country is in the middle of a rebellion. Hal and Poins leave.
FALSTAFF Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the 375 night, and we must hence and leave it unpicked. (Knocking. Bardolph exits.) More knocking at the door? (Bardolph returns.) How now, what’s the matter? BARDOLPH You must away to court, sir, presently. 380 A dozen captains stay at door for you. FALSTAFF, to Page Pay the musicians, sirrah.— Farewell, hostess.—Farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, how men of merit are sought after. The undeserver may sleep when the man of action 385 is called on. Farewell, good wenches. If I be not sent away post, I will see you again ere I go. DOLL I cannot speak. If my heart be not ready to burst—well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself. FALSTAFF Farewell, farewell. 390 He exits with Bardolph, Page, and Musicians. HOSTESS Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these twenty-nine years, come peasecod time, but an honester and truer-hearted man—well, fare thee well. BARDOLPH, within Mistress Tearsheet! 395 HOSTESS What’s the matter? BARDOLPH, within Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master. HOSTESS O, run, Doll, run, run, good Doll. Come.— She comes blubbered.—Yea! Will you come, Doll? 400 They exit.	Falstaff laments that he has to go away before he has time to sleep with Doll Tearsheet but, he's such an important guy that he can't ignore the call of duty. Falstaff leaves but then Bardolph comes back to fetch Doll Tearsheet for Falstaff, presumably so the two can have a proper "goodbye."

Original Text

Translated Text

Enter Francis and another Drawer.

FRANCIS What the devil hast thou brought there—
applejohns? Thou knowest Sir John cannot endure
an applejohn.

SECOND DRAWER Mass, thou sayst true. The Prince
once set a dish of applejohns before him and told 5
him there were five more Sir Johns and, putting off
his hat, said “I will now take my leave of these six
dry, round, old, withered knights.” It angered him
to the heart. But he hath forgot that.

FRANCIS Why then, cover and set them down, and see if 10
thou canst find out Sneak’s noise. Mistress Tearsheet
would fain hear some music. Dispatch. The
room where they supped is too hot. They’ll come in
straight.

At a tavern (probably the Boar's Head) in Eastcheap, a couple of Drawers (waiters) argue about a dish of apples and then reminisce about the time Prince Hal insulted Falstaff by comparing him to a round, withered up, old apple. Falstaff was so mad.

Enter Will.

WILL Sirrah, here will be the Prince and Master 15
Poins anon, and they will put on two of our jerkins
and aprons, and Sir John must not know of it.
Bardolph hath brought word.

SECOND DRAWER By the Mass, here will be old utis. It
will be an excellent stratagem. 20

FRANCIS I’ll see if I can find out Sneak.

He exits with the Second Drawer.

The Drawers can't wait 'til Hal shows up tonight – the Prince and Poins are going to dress up like waiters so they can play a joke on Falstaff. It'll be a barrel of laughs, just like old times.

Enter Hostess and Doll Tearsheet.

HOSTESS I’ faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in
an excellent good temperality. Your pulsidge beats
as extraordinarily as heart would desire, and your
color, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in good 25
truth, la. But, i’ faith, you have drunk too much
canaries, and that’s a marvellous searching wine,
and it perfumes the blood ere one can say “What’s
this?” How do you now?

DOLL Better than I was. Hem. 30

HOSTESS Why, that’s well said. A good heart’s worth
gold. Lo, here comes Sir John.

Mistress Quickly and Doll Tearsheet stumble in and they're rip-roaring drunk.

Quickly says that Tearsheet's face is all red and she herself has had way too much wine.

Enter Sir John Falstaff.

FALSTAFF, singing
When Arthur first in court—
To Will. Empty the jordan. Will exits.
And was a worthy king— 35
How now, Mistress Doll?

Enter a drunken Falstaff, who's singing a song about King Arthur and Sir Lancelot, the "worthy knight." Falstaff pauses in between lyrics to shout that someone really ought to clean out the chamber pot. (That's Shakespeare's clever way of telling us Falstaff, who is decidedly not a "worthy knight," has just been using the toilet.)

Then Falstaff greets Tearsheet and Quickly and this is what audiences (especially the "groundlings" in the cheap seats) have been waiting for. Let the trash talking begin.

HOSTESS Sick of a calm, yea, good faith.

FALSTAFF So is all her sect. An they be once in a calm,
they are sick.

DOLL A pox damn you, you muddy rascal. Is that all the 40
comfort you give me?

FALSTAFF You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.

DOLL I make them? Gluttony and diseases make them;
I make them not.

FALSTAFF If the cook help to make the gluttony, you 45
help to make the diseases, Doll. We catch of you,
Doll, we catch of you. Grant that, my poor virtue,
grant that.

DOLL Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.

When Mistress Quickly says she's feeling sick and faint, Falstaff insults her (and all women) by saying that when women aren't feeling sick, they're usually out sleeping around.

Tearsheet says she hopes Falstaff gets the "pox" (syphilis) and Falstaff retorts that men catch venereal diseases from women.

Tearsheet snaps back that the only thing men "catch" from women are their "jewels." Translation: Men, especially Falstaff, are thieves. In other words, she's reminding Falstaff that he's always ripping off Mistress Quickly. (Hmm. Doll Tearsheet appears to be a lot smarter than Mistress Quickly. Good to know.)

FALSTAFF Your brooches, pearls, and ouches—for to 50
serve bravely is to come halting off, you know; to
come off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and
to surgery bravely, to venture upon the charged
chambers bravely—

DOLL Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself! 55

HOSTESS By my troth, this is the old fashion. You two
never meet but you fall to some discord. You are
both, i’ good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts.
You cannot one bear with another’s confirmities.
What the good-year! One must bear, and to Doll 60
that must be you. You are the weaker vessel, as they
say, the emptier vessel.

Falstaff, not to be outdone, compares sleeping with a woman and catching a venereal disease to being wounded in battle.

Mistress Quickly thinks that all this insulting and sexually charged banter is great fun. It's just like old times. Then Quickly says that Doll Tearsheet is an empty vessel (a common term for a woman and also an empty cargo ship).

DOLL Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full
hogshead? There’s a whole merchant’s venture of
Bordeaux stuff in him. You have not seen a hulk 65
better stuffed in the hold.—Come, I’ll be friends
with thee, Jack. Thou art going to the wars, and
whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is
nobody cares.

Doll Tearsheet quips that an "empty vessel" could never carry such heavy cargo like Falstaff. (Translation: She could never bear the weight of him in bed.) Falstaff drinks so much booze that it would be like carrying an entire cargo of imported wine.

Then Tearsheet makes nice with Falstaff, since he's going to war soon and may get himself killed.

Enter Drawer.

DRAWER Sir, Ancient Pistol’s below and would speak 70
with you.

DOLL Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come
hither. It is the foul-mouthed’st rogue in England.

HOSTESS If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by
my faith, I must live among my neighbors. I’ll no 75
swaggerers. I am in good name and fame with the
very best. Shut the door. There comes no swaggerers
here. I have not lived all this while to have
swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you.

FALSTAFF Dost thou hear, hostess? 80

HOSTESS Pray you pacify yourself, Sir John. There
comes no swaggerers here.

FALSTAFF Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient.

HOSTESS Tilly-vally, Sir John, ne’er tell me. And your
ancient swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was 85
before Master Tisick the debuty t’ other day, and, as
he said to me—’twas no longer ago than Wednesday
last, i’ good faith—“Neighbor Quickly,” says
he—Master Dumb, our minister, was by then—
“Neighbor Quickly,” says he, “receive those that 90
are civil, for,” said he, “you are in an ill name.”
Now he said so, I can tell whereupon. “For,” says
he, “you are an honest woman, and well thought
on. Therefore take heed what guests you receive.
Receive,” says he, “no swaggering companions.” 95
There comes none here. You would bless you to
hear what he said. No, I’ll no swaggerers.

FALSTAFF He’s no swaggerer, hostess, a tame cheater, i’
faith. You may stroke him as gently as a puppy
greyhound. He’ll not swagger with a Barbary hen if 100
her feathers turn back in any show of resistance.—
Call him up, drawer.

Drawer exits.

A Drawer enters and announces that Pistol is at the door. Mistress Quickly doesn't want him anywhere near the joint because he's such a "swaggering" trouble maker but Falstaff convinces her to let him in. But first, Falstaff makes a bawdy comment that Doll Tearsheet can "stroke" Pistol like a "puppy."

HOSTESS “Cheater” call you him? I will bar no honest
man my house, nor no cheater, but I do not love
swaggering. By my troth, I am the worse when one 105
says “swagger.” Feel, masters, how I shake; look
you, I warrant you.

DOLL So you do, hostess.

HOSTESS Do I? Yea, in very truth, do I, an ’twere an
aspen leaf. I cannot abide swaggerers. 110

Enter Ancient Pistol, Bardolph, and Page.

PISTOL God save you, Sir John.

FALSTAFF Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I
charge you with a cup of sack. Do you discharge
upon mine hostess.

PISTOL I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two 115
bullets.

FALSTAFF She is pistol-proof. Sir, you shall not hardly
offend her.

HOSTESS Come, I’ll drink no proofs nor no bullets. I’ll
drink no more than will do me good, for no man’s 120
pleasure, I.

PISTOL Then, to you, Mistress Dorothy! I will charge
you.

DOLL Charge me? I scorn you, scurvy companion.
What, you poor, base, rascally, cheating lack-linen 125
mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for
your master.

PISTOL I know you, Mistress Dorothy.

DOLL Away, you cutpurse rascal, you filthy bung, away!
By this wine, I’ll thrust my knife in your mouldy 130
chaps an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away,
you bottle-ale rascal, you basket-hilt stale juggler,
you. Since when, I pray you, sir? God’s light, with
two points on your shoulder? Much!

Pistol enters and he and Falstaff make some lewd comments about how Pistol should "discharge" his "pistol" on Mistress Quickly.

When Pistol turns to Doll Tearsheet and suggests he should "discharge" on her as well, she calls him a slew of names (like "scurvy companion," and "mouldy rogue"). Then she whips out her trusty knife and tells him to get lost before she stabs him between his "mouldy chaps" (his cheeks).

PISTOL God let me not live but I will murder your ruff 135
for this.

FALSTAFF No more, Pistol. I would not have you go off
here. Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.

HOSTESS No, good Captain Pistol, not here, sweet
captain! 140

DOLL Captain? Thou abominable damned cheater, art
thou not ashamed to be called captain? An captains
were of my mind, they would truncheon you out for
taking their names upon you before you have
earned them. You a captain? You slave, for what? 145
For tearing a poor whore’s ruff in a bawdy house?
He a captain! Hang him, rogue. He lives upon
mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain?
God’s light, these villains will make the word as
odious as the word “occupy,” which was an excellent 150
good word before it was ill sorted. Therefore
captains had need look to ’t.

BARDOLPH, to Pistol Pray thee go down, good ancient.

FALSTAFF Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.

PISTOL, to Bardolph Not I. I tell thee what, Corporal 155
Bardolph, I could tear her. I’ll be revenged of her.

PAGE Pray thee go down.

When Pistol threatens Doll Tearsheet, Mistress Quickly begs him not to start any trouble. Tearsheet lays into him again and the two continue to trade insults.

PISTOL I’ll see her damned first to Pluto’s damnèd
lake, by this hand, to th’ infernal deep with Erebus
and tortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say I. 160
Down, down, dogs! Down, Fates! Have we not
Hiren here? He draws his sword.

HOSTESS Good Captain Peesell, be quiet. ’Tis very late,
i’ faith. I beseek you now, aggravate your choler.

PISTOL These be good humors indeed. Shall pack-horses 165
and hollow pampered jades of Asia, which
cannot go but thirty mile a day, compare with
Caesars and with cannibals and Troyant Greeks?
Nay, rather damn them with King Cerberus, and let
the welkin roar. Shall we fall foul for toys? 170

HOSTESS By my troth, captain, these are very bitter
words.

BARDOLPH Begone, good ancient. This will grow to a
brawl anon.

PISTOL Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins! Have 175
we not Hiren here?

HOSTESS O’ my word, captain, there’s none such here.
What the good-year, do you think I would deny her?
For God’s sake, be quiet.

PISTOL Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis. Come, 180
give ’s some sack. Si fortune me tormente, sperato
me contento. Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend
give fire. Give me some sack, and, sweetheart, lie
thou there. Laying down his sword. Come we to
full points here? And are etceteras nothings? 185

Pistol, who has whipped out his sword, is all riled up and starts misquoting lines from famous plays like Christopher Marlowe's Tamburlaine Part 2 and George Peele's Battle of Alcazar.

FALSTAFF Pistol, I would be quiet.

PISTOL Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What, we have
seen the seven stars.

DOLL For God’s sake, thrust him downstairs. I cannot
endure such a fustian rascal. 190

PISTOL “Thrust him downstairs”? Know we not Galloway
nags?

FALSTAFF Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat
shilling. Nay, an he do nothing but speak
nothing, he shall be nothing here. 195

BARDOLPH Come, get you downstairs.

PISTOL, taking up his sword What, shall we have
incision? Shall we imbrue? Then death rock me
asleep, abridge my doleful days. Why then, let
grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds untwind the Sisters 200
Three. Come, Atropos, I say.

HOSTESS Here’s goodly stuff toward!

FALSTAFF Give me my rapier, boy.

DOLL I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee do not draw.

FALSTAFF, to Pistol Get you downstairs. They fight. 205

HOSTESS Here’s a goodly tumult. I’ll forswear keeping
house afore I’ll be in these tirrits and frights. So,
murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas, put up your
naked weapons, put up your naked weapons.

Bardolph and Pistol exit.

The brawling and smack talk continues until Falstaff takes Pistol's sword and tells him to scram.

Pistol's not having any of that and the brawl ensues. Pistol and Falstaff stab wildly at each other until, finally, Bardolph tosses Pistol out on the street.

DOLL I pray thee, Jack, be quiet. The rascal’s gone. Ah, 210
you whoreson little valiant villain, you.

HOSTESS, to Falstaff Are you not hurt i’ th’ groin?
Methought he made a shrewd thrust at your belly.

Enter Bardolph.

FALSTAFF Have you turned him out o’ doors?

BARDOLPH Yea, sir. The rascal’s drunk. You have hurt 215
him, sir, i’ th’ shoulder.

FALSTAFF A rascal to brave me!

DOLL Ah, you sweet little rogue, you. Alas, poor ape,
how thou sweat’st! Come, let me wipe thy face.
Come on, you whoreson chops. Ah, rogue, i’ faith, I 220
love thee. Thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy,
worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better
than the Nine Worthies. Ah, villain!

FALSTAFF Ah, rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a
blanket. 225

DOLL Do, an thou darest for thy heart. An thou dost, I’ll
canvass thee between a pair of sheets.

Tearsheet and Quickly fawn over Falstaff, who has made quite a heroic showing. They want to make sure he didn't get stabbed in the groin by Pistol.

Doll Tearsheet calls Falstaff pet names like "whoreson chops" as she tenderly wipes the sweat from his brow.

Falstaff continues to show off by threatening to "toss" a sheet over Pistol and beat him to a pulp. Doll Tearsheet lovingly replies that she's going to "toss" Falstaff between her sheets later that night because he's such a brave guy.

Enter Musicians and Francis.

PAGE The music is come, sir.

FALSTAFF Let them play.—Play, sirs.—Sit on my knee,
Doll. A rascal bragging slave! The rogue fled from 230
me like quicksilver.

DOLL I’ faith, and thou followed’st him like a church.
Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig,
when wilt thou leave fighting a-days and foining a-nights
and begin to patch up thine old body for 235
heaven?

Enter behind them Prince and Poins disguised.

FALSTAFF Peace, good Doll. Do not speak like a death’s-head;
do not bid me remember mine end.

A band of musicians arrive and the party heats up. Doll sits on Falstaff's knee and continues to call him pet names like a "tidy Bartholomew boar-pig" (a plump, roasted pig). Falstaff doesn't like being reminded of his mortality when he's about to go off to war and says as much.

DOLL Sirrah, what humor’s the Prince of?

FALSTAFF A good shallow young fellow, he would have 240
made a good pantler; he would ’a chipped bread
well.

DOLL They say Poins has a good wit.

FALSTAFF He a good wit? Hang him, baboon. His wit’s
as thick as Tewkesbury mustard. There’s no more 245
conceit in him than is in a mallet.

DOLL Why does the Prince love him so then?

FALSTAFF Because their legs are both of a bigness, and
he plays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel,
and drinks off candles’ ends for flap-dragons, and 250
rides the wild mare with the boys, and jumps upon
joint stools, and swears with a good grace, and
wears his boots very smooth like unto the sign of
the Leg, and breeds no bate with telling of discreet
stories, and such other gambol faculties he has that 255
show a weak mind and an able body, for the which
the Prince admits him; for the Prince himself is
such another. The weight of a hair will turn the
scales between their avoirdupois.

Then the talk turns toward Prince Hal and Poins, who, by now, are in the tavern wearing disguises. Falstaff starts badmouthing the pair.

PRINCE, aside to Poins Would not this nave of a wheel 260
have his ears cut off?

POINS Let’s beat him before his whore.

PRINCE Look whe’er the withered elder hath not his
poll clawed like a parrot.

POINS Is it not strange that desire should so many years 265
outlive performance?

FALSTAFF Kiss me, Doll.

PRINCE, aside to Poins Saturn and Venus this year in
conjunction! What says th’ almanac to that?

POINS And look whether the fiery trigon, his man, be 270
not lisping to his master’s old tables, his notebook,
his counsel keeper.

FALSTAFF, to Doll Thou dost give me flattering busses.

DOLL By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant
heart. 275

FALSTAFF I am old, I am old.

DOLL I love thee better than I love e’er a scurvy young
boy of them all.

FALSTAFF What stuff wilt thou have a kirtle of? I shall
receive money o’ Thursday; thou shalt have a cap 280
tomorrow. A merry song! Come, it grows late. We’ll
to bed. Thou ’lt forget me when I am gone.

DOLL By my troth, thou ’lt set me a-weeping an thou
sayst so. Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till
thy return. Well, harken a’ th’ end. 285

Hal and Poins overhear Falstaff and respond in kind. They should beat up Falstaff, a dried up and impotent old man, in front of his girl, Doll Tearsheet. That would show him.

Poins and Hal continue to eavesdrop on Tearsheet and Falstaff, who, by now, are making out and saying lovey-dovey things to each other. (Tearsheet says she loves Falstaff more than any of the other "scurvy young boy[s]" and Falstaff offers to buy her a nice outfit. Doll Tearsheet says she sure will miss Falstaff when he goes off to war.)

FALSTAFF Some sack, Francis.

PRINCE, POINS, coming forward Anon, anon, sir.

FALSTAFF Ha? A bastard son of the King’s?—And art
not thou Poins his brother?

PRINCE Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a 290
life dost thou lead?

FALSTAFF A better than thou. I am a gentleman. Thou
art a drawer.

PRINCE Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by
the ears. 295

HOSTESS O, the Lord preserve thy good Grace! By my
troth, welcome to London. Now the Lord bless that
sweet face of thine. O Jesu, are you come from
Wales?

FALSTAFF, to Prince Thou whoreson mad compound 300
of majesty, by this light flesh and corrupt blood,
thou art welcome.

DOLL How? You fat fool, I scorn you.

POINS My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge
and turn all to a merriment if you take not the heat. 305

PRINCE, to Falstaff You whoreson candle-mine, you,
how vilely did you speak of me even now before
this honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman!

Falstaff calls for more wine so Hal and Poins emerge (since they're pretending to be waiters). Falstaff sees Hal and says "Ha, a bastard son of the King's." Hal insults Falstaff in kind.

Mistress Quickly gets all excited that Prince Hal is there and Poins urges Hal to hurry up and give Falstaff a beating.

Hal asks Falstaff how he could even dare to say such horrible things about him, the prince, in front of such a fine, upstanding, and virtuous "gentlewoman" like Doll Tearsheet.

HOSTESS God’s blessing of your good heart, and so she
is, by my troth. 310

FALSTAFF, to Prince Didst thou hear me?

PRINCE Yea, and you knew me as you did when you ran
away by Gad’s Hill. You knew I was at your back,
and spoke it on purpose to try my patience.

FALSTAFF No, no, no, not so. I did not think thou wast 315
within hearing.

PRINCE I shall drive you, then, to confess the wilfull
abuse, and then I know how to handle you.

FALSTAFF No abuse, Hal, o’ mine honor, no abuse.

PRINCE Not to dispraise me and call me pantler and 320
bread-chipper and I know not what?

FALSTAFF No abuse, Hal.

POINS No abuse?

FALSTAFF No abuse, Ned, i’ th’ world, honest Ned,
none. I dispraised him before the wicked, (to 325
Prince) that the wicked might not fall in love with
thee; in which doing, I have done the part of a
careful friend and a true subject, and thy father is to
give me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal.—None, Ned,
none. No, faith, boys, none. 330

PRINCE See now whether pure fear and entire cowardice
doth not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman
to close with us. Is she of the wicked, is
thine hostess here of the wicked, or is thy boy of the
wicked, or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in 335
his nose, of the wicked?

POINS Answer, thou dead elm, answer.

FALSTAFF The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable,
and his face is Lucifer’s privy kitchen,
where he doth nothing but roast malt-worms. For 340
the boy, there is a good angel about him, but the
devil blinds him too.

PRINCE For the women?

FALSTAFF For one of them, she’s in hell already and
burns poor souls. For th’ other, I owe her money, 345
and whether she be damned for that I know not.

HOSTESS No, I warrant you.

FALSTAFF No, I think thou art not. I think thou art quit
for that. Marry, there is another indictment upon
thee for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house 350
contrary to the law, for the which I think thou wilt
howl.

HOSTESS All vitlars do so. What’s a joint of mutton or
two in a whole Lent?

PRINCE, to Doll You, gentlewoman. 355

DOLL What says your Grace?

FALSTAFF His grace says that which his flesh rebels
against.

Peto knocks at door.

HOSTESS Who knocks so loud at door? Look to th’ door
there, Francis. Francis exits. 360

Enter Peto.

PRINCE Peto, how now, what news?

PETO
The King your father is at Westminster,
And there are twenty weak and wearied posts
Come from the north, and as I came along
I met and overtook a dozen captains, 365
Bareheaded, sweating, knocking at the taverns
And asking everyone for Sir John Falstaff.

Mistress Quickly, who doesn't understand that Hal's being a smart-aleck, says that she couldn't agree more. Doll Tearsheet is a great girl.

Falstaff says something like, "Oh, you heard what I just said about you? I didn't know you were in earshot."

Falstaff's in the process of talking his way out of the jam when Peto arrives and says a bunch of army captains are looking for Falstaff (who is supposed to be recruiting soldiers for the war, not having fun in the tavern).

PRINCE
By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame
So idly to profane the precious time
When tempest of commotion, like the south 370
Borne with black vapor, doth begin to melt
And drop upon our bare unarmèd heads.—
Give me my sword and cloak.—Falstaff, good
night. Prince, Peto, and Poins exit.

Prince Hal says he feels bad that he's been wasting time in the tavern when so much is going on in the world and the country is in the middle of a rebellion. Hal and Poins leave.

FALSTAFF Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the 375
night, and we must hence and leave it unpicked.

(Knocking. Bardolph exits.) More knocking at the
door? (Bardolph returns.) How now, what’s the
matter?

BARDOLPH
You must away to court, sir, presently. 380
A dozen captains stay at door for you.

FALSTAFF, to Page Pay the musicians, sirrah.—
Farewell, hostess.—Farewell, Doll. You see, my
good wenches, how men of merit are sought after.
The undeserver may sleep when the man of action 385
is called on. Farewell, good wenches. If I be not sent
away post, I will see you again ere I go.

DOLL I cannot speak. If my heart be not ready to
burst—well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.

FALSTAFF Farewell, farewell. 390

He exits with Bardolph, Page, and Musicians.

HOSTESS Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these
twenty-nine years, come peasecod time, but an
honester and truer-hearted man—well, fare thee
well.

BARDOLPH, within Mistress Tearsheet! 395

HOSTESS What’s the matter?

BARDOLPH, within Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my
master.

HOSTESS O, run, Doll, run, run, good Doll. Come.—
She comes blubbered.—Yea! Will you come, Doll? 400

They exit.

Falstaff laments that he has to go away before he has time to sleep with Doll Tearsheet but, he's such an important guy that he can't ignore the call of duty.

Falstaff leaves but then Bardolph comes back to fetch Doll Tearsheet for Falstaff, presumably so the two can have a proper "goodbye."

Henry IV Part 2: Act 2, Scene 4 Translation

A side-by-side translation of Act 2, Scene 4 of Henry IV Part 2 from the original Shakespeare into modern English.

Original Text

Translated Text

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