Enter Host and Simple. HOST
What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thickskin?
Speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick,
snap. SIMPLE
Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff
from Master Slender. 5 HOST
There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his
standing-bed and truckle-bed. ’Tis painted about
with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go,
knock and call. He’ll speak like an Anthropophaginian
unto thee. Knock, I say. 10 SIMPLE
There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up
into his chamber. I’ll be so bold as stay, sir, till she
come down. I come to speak with her, indeed. HOST
Ha? A fat woman? The knight may be robbed.
I’ll call.—Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from 15
thy lungs military. Art thou there? It is thine Host,
thine Ephesian, calls. FALSTAFF, within
How now, mine Host? HOST
Here’s a Bohemian Tartar tarries the coming
down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let 20
her descend. My chambers are honorable. Fie! Privacy?
Fie! Enter Sir John Falstaff. FALSTAFF
There was, mine Host, an old fat woman
even now with me, but she’s gone. SIMPLE
Pray you, sir, was ’t not the wise woman of 25
Brentford? FALSTAFF
Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell. What would
you with her? SIMPLE
My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her,
seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir, 30
whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain,
had the chain or no. FALSTAFF
I spake with the old woman about it. SIMPLE And what says she, I pray, sir? FALSTAFF
Marry, she says that the very same man that 35
beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him
of it. SIMPLE
I would I could have spoken with the woman
herself. I had other things to have spoken with her
too from him. 40 FALSTAFF What are they? Let us know. HOST
Ay, come. Quick! SIMPLE
I may not conceal them, sir. HOST
Conceal them, or thou diest. SIMPLE
Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress 45
Anne Page, to know if it were my master’s fortune
to have her or no. FALSTAFF
’Tis; ’tis his fortune. SIMPLE
What, sir? FALSTAFF
To have her or no. Go. Say the woman told 50
me so. SIMPLE
May I be bold to say so, sir? FALSTAFF Ay, sir; like who more bold. SIMPLE
I thank your Worship. I shall make my master
glad with these tidings. 55 He exits. | Simple shows up at the Garter Inn looking to deliver a message to Falstaff from his master, Slender. The Host tries to send him up to Falstaff's room but Simple's afraid to go up because he thinks Falstaff is up there getting busy with "the old woman of Brentford." It turns out that Simple actually wants to talk to "the old woman" because she's supposedly a witch with secret powers and knowledge. He has a question for her from his master, Slender. The Host calls to Falstaff, telling him there's someone here to see the old woman if he could send her down. Falstaff says, oh yeah, she was here, but she's gone now. What did Slender want to know? (Take a guess. Is it the winning lotto numbers? The secret to the universe? The meaning of life?) Nope. He wants to know if Nym stole his gold chain and whether or not the guy still has it. Falstaff says, "Oh yeah, I talked to the old woman about that and she said that, yep, Nym definitely has it." Next Simple asks about Anne Page, and Falstaff tells him that Slender is totally going to end up marrying her. Simple runs back to his master with the good news. |
HOST
Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was
there a wise woman with thee? FALSTAFF
Ay, that there was, mine Host, one that hath
taught me more wit than ever I learned before in
my life. And I paid nothing for it neither, but was 60
paid for my learning. Enter Bardolph. BARDOLPH, to Host
Out, alas, sir, cozenage, mere
cozenage! HOST
Where be my horses? Speak well of them,
varletto. 65 BARDOLPH Run away with the cozeners. For so soon as
I came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind
one of them in a slough of mire, and set
spurs, and away, like three German devils, three
Doctor Faustuses. 70 HOST
They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain. Do
not say they be fled. Germans are honest men. Enter Sir Hugh Evans. SIR HUGH Where is mine Host? HOST What is the matter, sir? SIR HUGH
Have a care of your entertainments. There is 75
a friend of mine come to town tells me there is
three cozen-Germans that has cozened all the
hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colnbrook,
of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look
you. You are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, 80
and ’tis not convenient you should be cozened.
Fare you well. He exits. Enter Doctor Caius. DOCTOR CAIUS
Vere is mine Host de Jarteer? HOST
Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful
dilemma. 85 DOCTOR CAIUS
I cannot tell vat is dat. But it is tell-a me
dat you make grand preparation for a duke de
Jamanie. By my trot, dere is no duke that the court
is know to come. I tell you for good will. Adieu. He exits. HOST, to Bardolph
Hue and cry, villain, go!—Assist 90
me, knight. I am undone.—Fly, run; hue and cry,
villain! I am undone. Host and Bardolph exit. | Bardolph comes in and announces that some German thieves just ran off with the horses that belong to the Host! (Remember when we said earlier that all that stuff about the German soldiers wanting to borrow horses would make sense soon? Well, it's coming together now.) Next, Sir Hugh runs in and says, "Hey, did you guys hear about the three Germans who have been stealing from hosts all over the English countryside?" Finally, Caius comes in (right on cue) and tells the Host that there's no Duke of Germany coming to town, and someone has swindled the Host out of a few horses. Punk'd! Looks like Caius and Sir Hugh got their revenge on the Host. Naturally, the Host runs off to try to get his horses back. He's worried that he's ruined. |
FALSTAFF
I would all the world might be cozened, for I
have been cozened and beaten too. If it should
come to the ear of the court how I have been transformed, 95
and how my transformation hath been
washed and cudgeled, they would melt me out of
my fat drop by drop, and liquor fishermen’s boots
with me. I warrant they would whip me with their
fine wits till I were as crestfallen as a dried pear. I 100
never prospered since I forswore myself at
primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough, I
would repent. Enter Mistress Quickly. Now, whence come you? MISTRESS QUICKLY
From the two parties, forsooth. 105 FALSTAFF
The devil take one party, and his dam the
other, and so they shall be both bestowed. I have
suffered more for their sakes, more than the villainous
inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to
bear. 110 MISTRESS QUICKLY
And have not they suffered? Yes, I
warrant, speciously one of them. Mistress Ford,
good heart, is beaten black and blue that you cannot
see a white spot about her. FALSTAFF What tell’st thou me of black and blue? I was 115
beaten myself into all the colors of the rainbow,
and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
Brentford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit,
my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered
me, the knave constable had set me i’ th’ 120
stocks, i’ th’ common stocks, for a witch. MISTRESS QUICKLY Sir, let me speak with you in your
chamber. You shall hear how things go, and, I warrant,
to your content. Here is a letter will say
somewhat. She gives him a paper. Good hearts, 125
what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one
of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so
crossed. FALSTAFF
Come up into my chamber. They exit. | Falstaff is left alone on stage, but not for long: just as Falstaff complains to us that he's also been punk'd, just like the Host, Mistress Quickly rushes in with a message from the merry wives. At first, Falstaff's not interested, but Mistress Quickly fibs to him that Mistress Ford has suffered as much, if not more, than he has in all of this. Not only has she been denied Falstaff's company, but her husband beat her pretty soundly. Falstaff points out that he's been beaten, too, and he had to dress up like an old witch and risk being seen that way. Finally, Mistress Quickly convinces Falstaff to talk with her in private—in his chamber—so she can really explain everything. She whips out a letter from the merry wives, promising Falstaff that its contents will make him very happy. Falstaff bites, and up they go to his chamber. |