Enter Cressida and her man Alexander. CRESSIDA
Who were those went by? ALEXANDER
Queen Hecuba and Helen. CRESSIDA
And whither go they? ALEXANDER
Up to the eastern tower,
Whose height commands as subject all the vale, 5
To see the battle. Hector, whose patience
Is as a virtue fixed, today was moved.
He chid Andromache and struck his armorer;
And, like as there were husbandry in war,
Before the sun rose he was harnessed light, 10
And to the field goes he, where every flower
Did as a prophet weep what it foresaw
In Hector’s wrath. CRESSIDA
What was his cause of anger? ALEXANDER
The noise goes, this: there is among the Greeks 15
A lord of Trojan blood, nephew to Hector.
They call him Ajax. CRESSIDA
Good; and what of him? ALEXANDER
They say he is a very man per se
And stands alone. 20 CRESSIDA
So do all men unless they are drunk, sick,
or have no legs. ALEXANDER
This man, lady, hath robbed many beasts
of their particular additions. He is as valiant as the
lion, churlish as the bear, slow as the elephant, a 25
man into whom nature hath so crowded humors
that his valor is crushed into folly, his folly sauced
with discretion. There is no man hath a virtue that
he hath not a glimpse of, nor any man an attaint
but he carries some stain of it. He is melancholy 30
without cause and merry against the hair. He hath
the joints of everything, but everything so out of
joint that he is a gouty Briareus, many hands and
no use, or purblind Argus, all eyes and no sight. CRESSIDA
But how should this man that makes me 35
smile make Hector angry? ALEXANDER
They say he yesterday coped Hector in the
battle and struck him down, the disdain and
shame whereof hath ever since kept Hector fasting
and waking. 40 | On a street in Troy, the luscious Cressida hangs out with her servant Alexander, who entertains our girl with some juicy gossip about some key players in the Trojan war. Apparently, on his way to the battlefield today, Hector flipped out and yelled at his wife and then slapped around the guy who helps him arm for battle. It turns out that Hector's all mad because of his nephew, Ajax, who's a commander in the Greek army. Apparently, Ajax and Hector went toe-to-toe in battle and Ajax knocked his uncle on his butt in front of everyone. Next, Alexander rags on Ajax, who is as "valiant as the lion," but, uh, not very bright. Plus, he's emotionally unstable and has some serious mood swings. |
Enter Pandarus. CRESSIDA
Who comes here? ALEXANDER
Madam, your Uncle Pandarus. CRESSIDA
Hector’s a gallant man. ALEXANDER
As may be in the world, lady. PANDARUS
What’s that? What’s that? 45 CRESSIDA
Good morrow, Uncle Pandarus. PANDARUS
Good morrow, Cousin Cressid. What do you
talk of?— Good morrow, Alexander.—How do you,
cousin? When were you at Ilium? CRESSIDA
This morning, uncle. 50 PANDARUS
What were you talking of when I came?
Was Hector armed and gone ere you came to
Ilium? Helen was not up, was she? CRESSIDA
Hector was gone, but Helen was not up. PANDARUS
E’en so. Hector was stirring early. 55 CRESSIDA
That were we talking of, and of his anger. PANDARUS
Was he angry? CRESSIDA
So he says here. PANDARUS
True, he was so. I know the cause too. He’ll
lay about him today, I can tell them that; and 60
there’s Troilus will not come far behind him. Let
them take heed of Troilus, I can tell them that too. CRESSIDA
What, is he angry too? PANDARUS
Who, Troilus? Troilus is the better man of
the two. 65 CRESSIDA
O Jupiter, there’s no comparison. PANDARUS
What, not between Troilus and Hector? Do
you know a man if you see him? CRESSIDA
Ay, if I ever saw him before and knew him. PANDARUS
Well, I say Troilus is Troilus. 70 CRESSIDA
Then you say as I say, for I am sure he is not
Hector. PANDARUS
No, nor Hector is not Troilus in some degrees. CRESSIDA
’Tis just to each of them; he is himself. PANDARUS
Himself? Alas, poor Troilus, I would he were. 75 CRESSIDA
So he is. PANDARUS
Condition I had gone barefoot to India. CRESSIDA
He is not Hector. PANDARUS
Himself? No, he’s not himself. Would he
were himself! Well, the gods are above. Time must 80
friend or end. Well, Troilus, well, I would my heart
were in her body. No, Hector is not a better man
than Troilus. CRESSIDA
Excuse me. PANDARUS
He is elder. 85 CRESSIDA
Pardon me, pardon me. PANDARUS Th’ other’s not come to ’t. You shall tell me
another tale when th’ other’s come to ’t. Hector
shall not have his wit this year. CRESSIDA
He shall not need it, if he have his own. 90 PANDARUS
Nor his qualities. CRESSIDA
No matter. PANDARUS Nor his beauty. CRESSIDA
’Twould not become him. His own ’s better. | When Cressida's uncle Pandarus shows up, the two begin to tease each other right away. (We can tell they've been doing this song-and-dance forever.) Pandarus is there to talk up Troilus, but witty Cressida likes to torture her uncle. She keeps insisting that there are tons of other dreamy boys out there that are way better. |
PANDARUS
You have no judgment, niece. Helen herself 95
swore th’ other day that Troilus, for a brown favor—
for so ’tis, I must confess—not brown neither— CRESSIDA
No, but brown. PANDARUS
Faith, to say truth, brown and not brown. CRESSIDA
To say the truth, true and not true. 100 PANDARUS
She praised his complexion above Paris’. CRESSIDA
Why, Paris hath color enough. PANDARUS
So he has. CRESSIDA
Then Troilus should have too much. If she
praised him above, his complexion is higher than 105
his. He having color enough, and the other higher,
is too flaming a praise for a good complexion. I
had as lief Helen’s golden tongue had commended
Troilus for a copper nose. PANDARUS
I swear to you, I think Helen loves him better 110
than Paris. CRESSIDA
Then she’s a merry Greek indeed. PANDARUS
Nay, I am sure she does. She came to him
th’ other day into the compassed window—and
you know he has not past three or four hairs on his 115
chin— CRESSIDA
Indeed, a tapster’s arithmetic may soon bring
his particulars therein to a total. PANDARUS
Why, he is very young, and yet will he within
three pound lift as much as his brother Hector. 120 CRESSIDA
Is he so young a man and so old a lifter? PANDARUS But to prove to you that Helen loves him: she
came and puts me her white hand to his cloven
chin— CRESSIDA
Juno have mercy! How came it cloven? 125 PANDARUS
Why, you know ’tis dimpled. I think his
smiling becomes him better than any man in all
Phrygia. CRESSIDA
O, he smiles valiantly. PANDARUS
Does he not? 130 CRESSIDA
O yes, an ’twere a cloud in autumn. PANDARUS
Why, go to, then. But to prove to you that
Helen loves Troilus— CRESSIDA
Troilus will stand to the proof if you’ll
prove it so. 135 PANDARUS
Troilus? Why, he esteems her no more than
I esteem an addle egg. CRESSIDA
If you love an addle egg as well as you love
an idle head, you would eat chickens i’ th’ shell. PANDARUS
I cannot choose but laugh to think how she 140
tickled his chin. Indeed, she has a marvellous
white hand, I must needs confess— CRESSIDA
Without the rack. PANDARUS
And she takes upon her to spy a white hair
on his chin. 145 CRESSIDA
Alas, poor chin! Many a wart is richer. PANDARUS
But there was such laughing! Queen Hecuba
laughed that her eyes ran o’er— CRESSIDA
With millstones. PANDARUS
And Cassandra laughed— 150 CRESSIDA
But there was a more temperate fire under
the pot of her eyes. Did her eyes run o’er too? PANDARUS And Hector laughed. CRESSIDA
At what was all this laughing? PANDARUS
Marry, at the white hair that Helen spied on 155
Troilus’ chin. CRESSIDA
An ’t had been a green hair, I should have
laughed too. PANDARUS
They laughed not so much at the hair as at
his pretty answer. 160 CRESSIDA
What was his answer? PANDARUS
Quoth she “Here’s but two-and-fifty hairs
on your chin, and one of them is white.” CRESSIDA
This is her question. PANDARUS
That’s true, make no question of that. “Two-and-fifty 165
hairs,” quoth he, “and one white. That
white hair is my father, and all the rest are his
sons.” “Jupiter!” quoth she, “which of these hairs
is Paris, my husband?” “The forked one,” quoth he.
“Pluck ’t out, and give it him.” But there was such 170
laughing, and Helen so blushed, and Paris so
chafed, and all the rest so laughed that it passed. CRESSIDA
So let it now, for it has been a great while
going by. PANDARUS Well, cousin, I told you a thing yesterday. 175
Think on ’t. CRESSIDA
So I do. PANDARUS
I’ll be sworn ’tis true. He will weep you an
’twere a man born in April. CRESSIDA
And I’ll spring up in his tears an ’twere a nettle 180
against May. | Eventually, Pandarus decides to switch tactics and try to make Cressida jealous. He claims that Helen's been flirting it up with Troilus lately and seems to like him better than she likes Paris. Cressida shoots back, "Then she's a merry Greek indeed." (FYI: "Merry Greek" is Elizabethan speak for "skank," so Cressida is basically saying that Helen is as promiscuous as everyone says she is. Put that in your insult box.) But Pandarus is on a roll. He tells his niece that just the other day Helen went up to Troilus, tickled his "dimpled" chin, and teased him about his scruffy facial hair. Cressida acts like she's totally not jealous. She says she's seen warts that had more hair on them than Troilus's pathetic goatee. But there's more—like a lot of giggling and blushing between Troilus and Helen. So much that Paris got pretty steamed. Now that he's got her all worked up, Pandarus is like, hey, remember that thing I mentioned yesterday? (He doesn't come out and say it but everyone knows that Pandarus told his niece that Troilus wants a steamy hook-up with her ASAP.) He tells his niece to think it over. |
Sound a retreat. PANDARUS Hark, they are coming from the field. Shall
we stand up here and see them as they pass toward
Ilium? Good niece, do, sweet niece Cressida. CRESSIDA
At your pleasure. 185 PANDARUS
Here, here, here’s an excellent place. Here
we may see most bravely. I’ll tell you them all by
their names as they pass by, but mark Troilus
above the rest. They cross the stage; Alexander exits. CRESSIDA Speak not so loud. 190 Enter Aeneas and crosses the stage. PANDARUS
That’s Aeneas. Is not that a brave man? He’s
one of the flowers of Troy, I can tell you. But mark
Troilus; you shall see anon. Enter Antenor and crosses the stage. CRESSIDA
Who’s that? PANDARUS
That’s Antenor. He has a shrewd wit, I can 195
tell you, and he’s a man good enough. He’s one o’
th’ soundest judgments in Troy whosoever; and a
proper man of person. When comes Troilus? I’ll
show you Troilus anon. If he see me, you shall see
him nod at me. 200 CRESSIDA Will he give you the nod? PANDARUS You shall see. CRESSIDA
If he do, the rich shall have more. Enter Hector and crosses the stage. PANDARUS
That’s Hector, that, that, look you, that.
There’s a fellow!—Go thy way, Hector!—There’s a 205
brave man, niece. O brave Hector! Look how he
looks. There’s a countenance! Is ’t not a brave man? CRESSIDA
O, a brave man! PANDARUS
Is he not? It does a man’s heart good. Look
you what hacks are on his helmet. Look you yonder, 210
do you see? Look you there. There’s no jesting;
there’s laying on, take ’t off who will, as they say.
There be hacks. CRESSIDA
Be those with swords? PANDARUS
Swords, anything, he cares not. An the devil 215
come to him, it’s all one. By God’s lid, it does one’s
heart good. Enter Paris and crosses the stage. Yonder comes Paris, yonder comes Paris! Look you
yonder, niece. Is ’t not a gallant man too? Is ’t not?
Why, this is brave now. Who said he came hurt 220
home today? He’s not hurt. Why, this will do
Helen’s heart good now, ha? Would I could see
Troilus now! You shall see Troilus anon. Enter Helenus and crosses the stage. CRESSIDA
Who’s that? PANDARUS
That’s Helenus. I marvel where Troilus is. 225
That’s Helenus. I think he went not forth today.
That’s Helenus. CRESSIDA
Can Helenus fight, uncle?
PANDARUS Helenus? No. Yes, he’ll fight indifferent
well. I marvel where Troilus is. Hark, do you not 230
hear the people cry “Troilus”? Helenus is a priest. Enter Troilus and crosses the stage. CRESSIDA
What sneaking fellow comes yonder? PANDARUS
Where? Yonder? That’s Deiphobus. ’Tis
Troilus! There’s a man, niece. Hem! Brave Troilus,
the prince of chivalry! 235 CRESSIDA
Peace, for shame, peace. PANDARUS
Mark him. Note him. O brave Troilus! Look
well upon him, niece. Look you how his sword is
bloodied and his helm more hacked than Hector’s,
and how he looks, and how he goes. O admirable 240
youth! He never saw three and twenty.—Go thy
way, Troilus; go thy way!—Had I a sister were a
Grace, or a daughter a goddess, he should take his
choice. O admirable man! Paris? Paris is dirt to
him; and I warrant Helen, to change, would give 245
an eye to boot. Enter Common Soldiers and cross the stage. CRESSIDA
Here comes more. PANDARUS
Asses, fools, dolts, chaff and bran, chaff and
bran, porridge after meat. I could live and die in
the eyes of Troilus. Ne’er look, ne’er look; the 250
eagles are gone. Crows and daws, crows and daws!
I had rather be such a man as Troilus than
Agamemnon and all Greece. CRESSIDA
There is amongst the Greeks Achilles, a better
man than Troilus. 255 PANDARUS
Achilles? A drayman, a porter, a very camel! CRESSIDA
Well, well. PANDARUS “Well, well”? Why, have you any discretion?
Have you any eyes? Do you know what a man is? Is
not birth, beauty, good shape, discourse, manhood, 260
learning, gentleness, virtue, youth, liberality and
such-like the spice and salt that season a man? CRESSIDA
Ay, a minced man; and then to be baked with
no date in the pie, for then the man’s date is out. PANDARUS You are such a woman a man knows not at 265
what ward you lie. CRESSIDA
Upon my back to defend my belly, upon my
wit to defend my wiles, upon my secrecy to defend
mine honesty, my mask to defend my beauty, and
you to defend all these; and at all these wards I lie, 270
at a thousand watches. PANDARUS
Say one of your watches. CRESSIDA
Nay, I’ll watch you for that, and that’s one of
the chiefest of them too. If I cannot ward what I
would not have hit, I can watch you for telling how 275
I took the blow—unless it swell past hiding, and
then it’s past watching. PANDARUS
You are such another! Enter Troilus’s Boy. BOY
Sir, my lord would instantly speak with you. PANDARUS
Where? 280 BOY
At your own house. There he unarms him. PANDARUS
Good boy, tell him I come. Boy exits. I doubt he be hurt.—Fare you well, good niece. | An horn sounds and a bunch of Trojan leaders parade across the stage on their way back from the battlefield. Pandarus points them all out to Cressida and tells her how brave and valiant they are. Cressida rolls her eyes and makes some snarky comments, but that doesn't stop her from checking out all the guys that walk by and judging whether or not they're good boyfriend material. When Troilus crosses the stage, Pandarus lays it on pretty thick, and Cressida tells him to keep his voice down. Pandarus declares that if he had a sister or a daughter, he'd let Troilus take his pick and have whichever one he wanted. (Eww.) Nah, says Cressida. Greek soldier Achilles is a "better man than Troilus." Pandarus thinks she's crazy. Even he could get lost in Troilus's eyes. Troilus's boy servant shows up and says Troilus wants to talk to Pandarus at his house. |
CRESSIDA
Adieu, uncle. PANDARUS
I will be with you, niece, by and by. 285 CRESSIDA To bring, uncle? PANDARUS
Ay, a token from Troilus. CRESSIDA
By the same token, you are a bawd. Pandarus exits. Words, vows, gifts, tears, and love’s full sacrifice
He offers in another’s enterprise; 290
But more in Troilus thousandfold I see
Than in the glass of Pandar’s praise may be.
Yet hold I off. Women are angels, wooing;
Things won are done; joy’s soul lies in the doing.
That she beloved knows naught that knows not this: 295
Men prize the thing ungained more than it is.
That she was never yet that ever knew
Love got so sweet as when desire did sue.
Therefore this maxim out of love I teach:
Achievement is command; ungained, beseech. 300
Then though my heart’s content firm love doth bear,
Nothing of that shall from mine eyes appear. She exits. | As Pandarus leaves, he promises to visit his niece and bring her a "token" from Troilus. Cressida calls her uncle a "bawd" (a.k.a., a pimp) and says goodbye. Brain Snack: Now seems like a good time to tell you that Pandarus's name is associated with the term "pander," which means to act as a go-between in a sexual hook-up. In fact, the name "Pandarus" was pretty much synonymous with the word "pimp" by the time Shakespeare wrote this play. But, you probably already guessed that from the way Pandarus has been acting. Alone on stage, Cressida delivers a soliloquy about how she really does think Troilus is dreamy even though she doesn't show it. Still, she's going to play hard to get because she's afraid he'll lose interest in her once he's slept with her. |