Twelfth Night, or What You Will: Act 1, Scene 5 Translation

A side-by-side translation of Act 1, Scene 5 of Twelfth Night, or What You Will from the original Shakespeare into modern English.

Original Text	Translated Text
Source: Folger Shakespeare Library
Enter Maria and Feste, the Fool. MARIA Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse. My lady will hang thee for thy absence. FOOL Let her hang me. He that is well hanged in this 5 world needs to fear no colors. MARIA Make that good. FOOL He shall see none to fear. MARIA A good Lenten answer. I can tell thee where that saying was born, of “I fear no colors.” 10 FOOL Where, good Mistress Mary? MARIA In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery. FOOL Well, God give them wisdom that have it, and those that are Fools, let them use their talents. 15 MARIA Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent. Or to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you? FOOL Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage, and, for turning away, let summer bear it out. 20 MARIA You are resolute, then? FOOL Not so, neither, but I am resolved on two points. MARIA That if one break, the other will hold, or if both break, your gaskins fall. FOOL Apt, in good faith, very apt. Well, go thy way. If Sir 25 Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve’s flesh as any in Illyria. MARIA Peace, you rogue. No more o’ that. Here comes my lady. Make your excuse wisely, you were best. She exits.	Over at Olivia's place, Maria and Feste the Clown goof around, talking trash. Feste makes a dirty joke about how "well hung" he is when Maria tells him that Olivia will literally hang him (as in tie a noose around his neck and let him dangle in the air until he stops breathing) because he hasn't shown up to work in such a long time. Feste's job as Olivia's "fool" is to be an entertaining smart-aleck. Imagine paying Dave Chappell or Will Ferrell to follow you around, crack jokes, insult you, sing some songs, and run your errands.
Enter Lady Olivia with Malvolio and Attendants. FOOL, aside Wit, an ’t be thy will, put me into good 30 fooling! Those wits that think they have thee do very oft prove fools, and I that am sure I lack thee may pass for a wise man. For what says Quinapalus? “Better a witty Fool than a foolish wit.”—God bless thee, lady! 35 OLIVIA Take the Fool away. FOOL Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the Lady. OLIVIA Go to, you’re a dry Fool. I’ll no more of you. Besides, you grow dishonest. FOOL Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel 40 will amend. For give the dry Fool drink, then is the Fool not dry. Bid the dishonest man mend himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Anything that’s mended is but patched; virtue that transgresses is 45 but patched with sin, and sin that amends is but patched with virtue. If that this simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not, what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but calamity, so beauty’s a flower. The Lady bade take away the Fool. Therefore, I say 50 again, take her away. OLIVIA Sir, I bade them take away you. FOOL Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non facit monachum. That’s as much to say as, I wear not motley in my brain. Good madonna, give 55 me leave to prove you a fool. OLIVIA Can you do it? FOOL Dexteriously, good madonna. OLIVIA Make your proof. FOOL I must catechize you for it, madonna. Good my 60 mouse of virtue, answer me. OLIVIA Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I’ll bide your proof. FOOL Good madonna, why mourn’st thou? OLIVIA Good Fool, for my brother’s death. 65 FOOL I think his soul is in hell, madonna. OLIVIA I know his soul is in heaven, Fool. FOOL The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother’s soul, being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen. 70	Olivia enters and orders her servants to "Take the fool away." Feste responds by saying something like, "Hey—didn't you hear Olivia say take the fool away? Take her away already." Olivia is totally amused, but pretends she's not, so Feste will have to convince her that he should be allowed to stay and make her laugh. Then Feste makes a crack about why Olivia really is a fool—she's wasting her time mourning for a dead brother who's in a better place (heaven), while she mopes around in her crazy, all black get-up.
OLIVIA What think you of this Fool, Malvolio? Doth he not mend? MALVOLIO Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him. Infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better Fool. 75 FOOL God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox, but he will not pass his word for twopence that you are no fool. OLIVIA How say you to that, Malvolio? 80 MALVOLIO I marvel your Ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal. I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone. Look you now, he’s out of his guard already. Unless you laugh and minister occasion to 85 him, he is gagged. I protest I take these wise men that crow so at these set kind of Fools no better than the Fools’ zanies. OLIVIA O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with a distempered appetite. To be generous, guiltless, 90 and of free disposition is to take those things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon bullets. There is no slander in an allowed Fool, though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove. 95 FOOL Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speak’st well of Fools!	Malvolio asks Olivia why she lets Feste hang around. Malvolio claims that Feste isn't really that funny and, besides, he saw some other comedian totally clown him the other day. Olivia tells Malvolio to beat it—he's a bitter jerk if he doesn't see how great Feste is.
Enter Maria. MARIA Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you. OLIVIA From the Count Orsino, is it? 100 MARIA I know not, madam. ’Tis a fair young man, and well attended. OLIVIA Who of my people hold him in delay? MARIA Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman. OLIVIA Fetch him off, I pray you. He speaks nothing 105 but madman. Fie on him! Maria exits. Go you, Malvolio. If it be a suit from the Count, I am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it. (Malvolio exits.) Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people dislike it. 110 FOOL Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a Fool, whose skull Jove cram with brains, for—here he comes—one of thy kin has a most weak pia mater. Enter Sir Toby. OLIVIA By mine honor, half drunk!—What is he at the 115 gate, cousin? TOBY A gentleman. OLIVIA A gentleman? What gentleman? TOBY ’Tis a gentleman here—a plague o’ these pickle herring!—How now, sot? 120 FOOL Good Sir Toby. OLIVIA Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy? TOBY Lechery? I defy lechery. There’s one at the gate. OLIVIA Ay, marry, what is he? 125 TOBY Let him be the devil an he will, I care not. Give me faith, say I. Well, it’s all one. He exits. OLIVIA What’s a drunken man like, Fool? FOOL Like a drowned man, a fool, and a madman. One draught above heat makes him a fool, the second 130 mads him, and a third drowns him. OLIVIA Go thou and seek the crowner and let him sit o’ my coz, for he’s in the third degree of drink: he’s drowned. Go look after him. FOOL He is but mad yet, madonna, and the Fool shall 135 look to the madman. He exits.	Maria enters then with news that there's some dumb kid at the gate who wants to talk to Olivia. He's not taking "no" for an answer and Maria doesn't know what to do. Olivia tells Malvolio to go to the gate and say she's sick or busy or whatever. The kid should hit the road ASAP because she's not in the mood to talk. Feste makes a random joke about how brainless Sir Toby Belch is, just as Olivia's uncle enters the room. Olivia then takes Toby to task for being a drunk and spending all his time partying. She also asks him about who's at the gate. Toby gives her a drunken answer that basically amounts to, "Don't know, don't care," and staggers out. Olivia sends Feste to look after him.
Enter Malvolio. MALVOLIO Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to understand so much, and therefore comes to speak with you. I told him you were 140 asleep; he seems to have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him, lady? He’s fortified against any denial. OLIVIA Tell him he shall not speak with me. 145 MALVOLIO Has been told so, and he says he’ll stand at your door like a sheriff’s post and be the supporter to a bench, but he’ll speak with you. OLIVIA What kind o’ man is he? MALVOLIO Why, of mankind. 150 OLIVIA What manner of man? MALVOLIO Of very ill manner. He’ll speak with you, will you or no. OLIVIA Of what personage and years is he? MALVOLIO Not yet old enough for a man, nor young 155 enough for a boy—as a squash is before ’tis a peascod, or a codling when ’tis almost an apple. ’Tis with him in standing water, between boy and man. He is very well-favored, and he speaks very shrewishly. One would think his mother’s milk were 160 scarce out of him. OLIVIA Let him approach. Call in my gentlewoman. MALVOLIO Gentlewoman, my lady calls. He exits. Enter Maria. OLIVIA Give me my veil. Come, throw it o’er my face. Olivia veils. We’ll once more hear Orsino’s embassy. 165	Malvolio reenters the room and confirms that, yep, there's an annoying kid at the gate who says he's not going anywhere until he sees Olivia. Olivia asks what the messenger is like and Malvolio says that he doesn't seem old enough to be a man or young enough to be a boy. The kid also speaks like a "shrew." (That's code for mouthy woman.) Intrigued, Olivia lets the kid inside, but not before she covers her face with her black veil.
Enter Viola. VIOLA The honorable lady of the house, which is she? OLIVIA Speak to me. I shall answer for her. Your will? VIOLA Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty—I pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her. I would be loath to cast 170 away my speech, for, besides that it is excellently well penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good beauties, let me sustain no scorn. I am very comptible even to the least sinister usage. OLIVIA Whence came you, sir? 175 VIOLA I can say little more than I have studied, and that question’s out of my part. Good gentle one, give me modest assurance if you be the lady of the house, that I may proceed in my speech. OLIVIA Are you a comedian? 180 VIOLA No, my profound heart. And yet by the very fangs of malice I swear I am not that I play. Are you the lady of the house? OLIVIA If I do not usurp myself, I am. VIOLA Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp 185 yourself, for what is yours to bestow is not yours to reserve. But this is from my commission. I will on with my speech in your praise and then show you the heart of my message. OLIVIA Come to what is important in ’t. I forgive you 190 the praise. VIOLA Alas, I took great pains to study it, and ’tis poetical.	"Cesario" enters the room and asks which one of the lovely ladies is Olivia—"he's" got to deliver a message from the Duke. Olivia's not interested in the Duke, but the kid is intriguing so she chats him up. "Cesario" says "he's" got this whole message memorized, so Olivia should just please pipe down and let "him" deliver it.
OLIVIA It is the more like to be feigned. I pray you, keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates, and 195 allowed your approach rather to wonder at you than to hear you. If you be not mad, begone; if you have reason, be brief. ’Tis not that time of moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue. MARIA Will you hoist sail, sir? Here lies your way. 200 VIOLA No, good swabber, I am to hull here a little longer.—Some mollification for your giant, sweet lady. OLIVIA Tell me your mind. VIOLA I am a messenger. 205 OLIVIA Sure you have some hideous matter to deliver when the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office. VIOLA It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of war, no taxation of homage. I hold the olive in 210 my hand. My words are as full of peace as matter. OLIVIA Yet you began rudely. What are you? What would you? VIOLA The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I learned from my entertainment. What I am and 215 what I would are as secret as maidenhead: to your ears, divinity; to any other’s, profanation. OLIVIA Give us the place alone. We will hear this divinity. Maria and Attendants exit. Now, sir, what is your text? 220 VIOLA Most sweet lady— OLIVIA A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it. Where lies your text? VIOLA In Orsino’s bosom. OLIVIA In his bosom? In what chapter of his bosom? 225 VIOLA To answer by the method, in the first of his heart. OLIVIA O, I have read it; it is heresy. Have you no more to say? VIOLA Good madam, let me see your face. OLIVIA Have you any commission from your lord to 230 negotiate with my face? You are now out of your text. But we will draw the curtain and show you the picture. She removes her veil. Look you, sir, such a one I was this present. Is ’t not well done?	Olivia's not interested in Duke Orsino's cliché attempts to sweet talk her, so she toys with "Cesario" for a while and asks why he was so lippy when he was out at the gate. "Cesario" insists that "he" needs to speak to Olivia alone so he can deliver his private message. "Cesario" tries to deliver the memorized speech again, but Olivia cuts "him" off and mocks the Duke's little love letter. "Cesario" asks to see Olivia's face, and Olivia removes her veil.
VIOLA Excellently done, if God did all. 235 OLIVIA ’Tis in grain, sir; ’twill endure wind and weather. VIOLA ’Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white Nature’s own sweet and cunning hand laid on. Lady, you are the cruel’st she alive 240 If you will lead these graces to the grave And leave the world no copy. OLIVIA O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted! I will give out divers schedules of my beauty. It shall be inventoried and every particle and utensil labeled 245 to my will: as, item, two lips indifferent red; item, two gray eyes with lids to them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were you sent hither to praise me? VIOLA I see you what you are. You are too proud. 250 But if you were the devil you are fair. My lord and master loves you. O, such love Could be but recompensed though you were crowned The nonpareil of beauty. 255 OLIVIA How does he love me? VIOLA With adorations, fertile tears, With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire. OLIVIA Your lord does know my mind. I cannot love him. Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble, 260 Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth; In voices well divulged, free, learned, and valiant, And in dimension and the shape of nature A gracious person. But yet I cannot love him. He might have took his answer long ago. 265 VIOLA If I did love you in my master’s flame, With such a suff’ring, such a deadly life, In your denial I would find no sense. I would not understand it.	"Cesario" says that Olivia is gorgeous—she should get married and have some good looking kids with Orsino. Exasperated, Olivia says that the Duke already knows she's not into him. He's nice and all, and rich, and handsome, but he needs to learn to take "no" for an answer. "Cesario" says that doesn't make any sense.
OLIVIA Why, what would you? 270 VIOLA Make me a willow cabin at your gate And call upon my soul within the house, Write loyal cantons of contemnèd love And sing them loud even in the dead of night, Hallow your name to the reverberate hills 275 And make the babbling gossip of the air Cry out “Olivia!” O, you should not rest Between the elements of air and earth But you should pity me. OLIVIA You might do much. 280 What is your parentage? VIOLA Above my fortunes, yet my state is well. I am a gentleman. OLIVIA Get you to your lord. I cannot love him. Let him send no more— 285 Unless perchance you come to me again To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well. I thank you for your pains. Spend this for me. She offers money. VIOLA I am no fee’d post, lady. Keep your purse. My master, not myself, lacks recompense. 290 Love make his heart of flint that you shall love, And let your fervor, like my master’s, be Placed in contempt. Farewell, fair cruelty. She exits.	Olivia asks "Cesario" what he would do if he loved her (Olivia) and "Cesario" says "he" would stand at Olivia's gate and sing love poetry until Olivia took pity on "him." Olivia is totally smitten when she hears this and she asks "Cesario" about his parentage, to which "Cesario" replies that "he" is well-born. Olivia tells "Cesario" to go back to Orsino and tell him to quit bothering her. Then Cesario should come back and tell Olivia what the Duke has to say about that. Olivia tries to give "Cesario" a few coins for his trouble, but "Cesario" tells her to keep her money.
OLIVIA “What is your parentage?” “Above my fortunes, yet my state is well. 295 I am a gentleman.” I’ll be sworn thou art. Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions, and spirit Do give thee fivefold blazon. Not too fast! Soft, soft! Unless the master were the man. How now? 300 Even so quickly may one catch the plague? Methinks I feel this youth’s perfections With an invisible and subtle stealth To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be.— What ho, Malvolio! 305 Enter Malvolio. MALVOLIO Here, madam, at your service. OLIVIA Run after that same peevish messenger, The County’s man. He left this ring behind him, Would I or not. Tell him I’ll none of it. She hands him a ring. Desire him not to flatter with his lord, 310 Nor hold him up with hopes. I am not for him. If that the youth will come this way tomorrow, I’ll give him reasons for ’t. Hie thee, Malvolio. MALVOLIO Madam, I will. He exits. OLIVIA I do I know not what, and fear to find 315 Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind. Fate, show thy force. Ourselves we do not owe. What is decreed must be, and be this so. She exits.	When "Cesario" leaves, Olivia says "Cesario" is a total dream-boat. Malvolio enters the room and Olivia lies and says that "Cesario" gave her a ring from the Duke. She says she doesn't want it so Malvolio should run after "Cesario" and return the trinket, ASAP. Olivia has apparently forgotten about her quest to mourn for her dead brother. She tells us that "fate" has brought "Cesario" to her, so she'll let whatever happens happen.

Original Text

Translated Text

Enter Maria and Feste, the Fool.

MARIA Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I
will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter
in way of thy excuse. My lady will hang thee for thy
absence.

FOOL Let her hang me. He that is well hanged in this 5
world needs to fear no colors.

MARIA Make that good.

FOOL He shall see none to fear.

MARIA A good Lenten answer. I can tell thee where
that saying was born, of “I fear no colors.” 10

FOOL Where, good Mistress Mary?

MARIA In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in
your foolery.

FOOL Well, God give them wisdom that have it, and
those that are Fools, let them use their talents. 15

MARIA Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent.
Or to be turned away, is not that as good as a
hanging to you?

FOOL Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage,
and, for turning away, let summer bear it out. 20

MARIA You are resolute, then?

FOOL Not so, neither, but I am resolved on two points.

MARIA That if one break, the other will hold, or if both
break, your gaskins fall.

FOOL Apt, in good faith, very apt. Well, go thy way. If Sir 25
Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a
piece of Eve’s flesh as any in Illyria.

MARIA Peace, you rogue. No more o’ that. Here comes
my lady. Make your excuse wisely, you were best.

She exits.

Over at Olivia's place, Maria and Feste the Clown goof around, talking trash. Feste makes a dirty joke about how "well hung" he is when Maria tells him that Olivia will literally hang him (as in tie a noose around his neck and let him dangle in the air until he stops breathing) because he hasn't shown up to work in such a long time.

Feste's job as Olivia's "fool" is to be an entertaining smart-aleck. Imagine paying Dave Chappell or Will Ferrell to follow you around, crack jokes, insult you, sing some songs, and run your errands.

Enter Lady Olivia with Malvolio and Attendants.

FOOL, aside Wit, an ’t be thy will, put me into good 30
fooling! Those wits that think they have thee do very
oft prove fools, and I that am sure I lack thee may
pass for a wise man. For what says Quinapalus?
“Better a witty Fool than a foolish wit.”—God bless
thee, lady! 35

OLIVIA Take the Fool away.

FOOL Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the Lady.

OLIVIA Go to, you’re a dry Fool. I’ll no more of you.
Besides, you grow dishonest.

FOOL Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel 40
will amend. For give the dry Fool drink, then is
the Fool not dry. Bid the dishonest man mend
himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if he
cannot, let the botcher mend him. Anything that’s
mended is but patched; virtue that transgresses is 45
but patched with sin, and sin that amends is but
patched with virtue. If that this simple syllogism
will serve, so; if it will not, what remedy? As there is
no true cuckold but calamity, so beauty’s a flower.
The Lady bade take away the Fool. Therefore, I say 50
again, take her away.

OLIVIA Sir, I bade them take away you.

FOOL Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus
non facit monachum. That’s as much to say as, I
wear not motley in my brain. Good madonna, give 55
me leave to prove you a fool.

OLIVIA Can you do it?

FOOL Dexteriously, good madonna.

OLIVIA Make your proof.

FOOL I must catechize you for it, madonna. Good my 60
mouse of virtue, answer me.

OLIVIA Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I’ll bide
your proof.

FOOL Good madonna, why mourn’st thou?

OLIVIA Good Fool, for my brother’s death. 65

FOOL I think his soul is in hell, madonna.

OLIVIA I know his soul is in heaven, Fool.

FOOL The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your
brother’s soul, being in heaven. Take away the fool,
gentlemen. 70

Olivia enters and orders her servants to "Take the fool away." Feste responds by saying something like, "Hey—didn't you hear Olivia say take the fool away? Take her away already."

Olivia is totally amused, but pretends she's not, so Feste will have to convince her that he should be allowed to stay and make her laugh. Then Feste makes a crack about why Olivia really is a fool—she's wasting her time mourning for a dead brother who's in a better place (heaven), while she mopes around in her crazy, all black get-up.

OLIVIA What think you of this Fool, Malvolio? Doth he
not mend?

MALVOLIO Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death
shake him. Infirmity, that decays the wise, doth
ever make the better Fool. 75

FOOL God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the
better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn
that I am no fox, but he will not pass his word for
twopence that you are no fool.

OLIVIA How say you to that, Malvolio? 80

MALVOLIO I marvel your Ladyship takes delight in
such a barren rascal. I saw him put down the other
day with an ordinary fool that has no more brain
than a stone. Look you now, he’s out of his guard
already. Unless you laugh and minister occasion to 85
him, he is gagged. I protest I take these wise men
that crow so at these set kind of Fools no better than
the Fools’ zanies.

OLIVIA O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste
with a distempered appetite. To be generous, guiltless, 90
and of free disposition is to take those things
for bird-bolts that you deem cannon bullets. There
is no slander in an allowed Fool, though he do
nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet
man, though he do nothing but reprove. 95

FOOL Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou
speak’st well of Fools!

Malvolio asks Olivia why she lets Feste hang around. Malvolio claims that Feste isn't really that funny and, besides, he saw some other comedian totally clown him the other day.

Olivia tells Malvolio to beat it—he's a bitter jerk if he doesn't see how great Feste is.

Enter Maria.

MARIA Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman
much desires to speak with you.

OLIVIA From the Count Orsino, is it? 100

MARIA I know not, madam. ’Tis a fair young man, and
well attended.

OLIVIA Who of my people hold him in delay?

MARIA Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.

OLIVIA Fetch him off, I pray you. He speaks nothing 105
but madman. Fie on him! Maria exits. Go you,
Malvolio. If it be a suit from the Count, I am sick,
or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it. (Malvolio
exits.) Now you see, sir, how your fooling
grows old, and people dislike it. 110

FOOL Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest
son should be a Fool, whose skull Jove cram with
brains, for—here he comes—one of thy kin has a
most weak pia mater.

Enter Sir Toby.

OLIVIA By mine honor, half drunk!—What is he at the 115
gate, cousin?

TOBY A gentleman.

OLIVIA A gentleman? What gentleman?

TOBY ’Tis a gentleman here—a plague o’ these pickle
herring!—How now, sot? 120

FOOL Good Sir Toby.

OLIVIA Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by
this lethargy?

TOBY Lechery? I defy lechery. There’s one at the gate.

OLIVIA Ay, marry, what is he? 125

TOBY Let him be the devil an he will, I care not. Give
me faith, say I. Well, it’s all one.

He exits.

OLIVIA What’s a drunken man like, Fool?

FOOL Like a drowned man, a fool, and a madman. One
draught above heat makes him a fool, the second 130
mads him, and a third drowns him.

OLIVIA Go thou and seek the crowner and let him sit o’
my coz, for he’s in the third degree of drink: he’s
drowned. Go look after him.

FOOL He is but mad yet, madonna, and the Fool shall 135
look to the madman.

He exits.

Maria enters then with news that there's some dumb kid at the gate who wants to talk to Olivia. He's not taking "no" for an answer and Maria doesn't know what to do.

Olivia tells Malvolio to go to the gate and say she's sick or busy or whatever. The kid should hit the road ASAP because she's not in the mood to talk.

Feste makes a random joke about how brainless Sir Toby Belch is, just as Olivia's uncle enters the room. Olivia then takes Toby to task for being a drunk and spending all his time partying. She also asks him about who's at the gate.

Toby gives her a drunken answer that basically amounts to, "Don't know, don't care," and staggers out. Olivia sends Feste to look after him.

Enter Malvolio.

MALVOLIO Madam, yond young fellow swears he will
speak with you. I told him you were sick; he takes
on him to understand so much, and therefore
comes to speak with you. I told him you were 140
asleep; he seems to have a foreknowledge of that
too, and therefore comes to speak with you. What is
to be said to him, lady? He’s fortified against any
denial.

OLIVIA Tell him he shall not speak with me. 145

MALVOLIO Has been told so, and he says he’ll stand at
your door like a sheriff’s post and be the supporter
to a bench, but he’ll speak with you.

OLIVIA What kind o’ man is he?

MALVOLIO Why, of mankind. 150

OLIVIA What manner of man?

MALVOLIO Of very ill manner. He’ll speak with you,
will you or no.

OLIVIA Of what personage and years is he?

MALVOLIO Not yet old enough for a man, nor young 155
enough for a boy—as a squash is before ’tis a
peascod, or a codling when ’tis almost an apple. ’Tis
with him in standing water, between boy and man.
He is very well-favored, and he speaks very shrewishly.
One would think his mother’s milk were 160
scarce out of him.

OLIVIA
Let him approach. Call in my gentlewoman.
MALVOLIO Gentlewoman, my lady calls.

He exits.

Enter Maria.

OLIVIA
Give me my veil. Come, throw it o’er my face.
Olivia veils.
We’ll once more hear Orsino’s embassy. 165

Malvolio reenters the room and confirms that, yep, there's an annoying kid at the gate who says he's not going anywhere until he sees Olivia.

Olivia asks what the messenger is like and Malvolio says that he doesn't seem old enough to be a man or young enough to be a boy. The kid also speaks like a "shrew." (That's code for mouthy woman.)

Intrigued, Olivia lets the kid inside, but not before she covers her face with her black veil.

Enter Viola.

VIOLA The honorable lady of the house, which is she?

OLIVIA Speak to me. I shall answer for her. Your will?

VIOLA Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable
beauty—I pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the
house, for I never saw her. I would be loath to cast 170
away my speech, for, besides that it is excellently
well penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good
beauties, let me sustain no scorn. I am very comptible
even to the least sinister usage.

OLIVIA Whence came you, sir? 175

VIOLA I can say little more than I have studied, and
that question’s out of my part. Good gentle one,
give me modest assurance if you be the lady of the
house, that I may proceed in my speech.

OLIVIA Are you a comedian? 180

VIOLA No, my profound heart. And yet by the very
fangs of malice I swear I am not that I play. Are
you the lady of the house?

OLIVIA If I do not usurp myself, I am.

VIOLA Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp 185
yourself, for what is yours to bestow is not yours to
reserve. But this is from my commission. I will on
with my speech in your praise and then show you
the heart of my message.

OLIVIA Come to what is important in ’t. I forgive you 190
the praise.

VIOLA Alas, I took great pains to study it, and ’tis
poetical.

"Cesario" enters the room and asks which one of the lovely ladies is Olivia—"he's" got to deliver a message from the Duke.

Olivia's not interested in the Duke, but the kid is intriguing so she chats him up.

"Cesario" says "he's" got this whole message memorized, so Olivia should just please pipe down and let "him" deliver it.

OLIVIA It is the more like to be feigned. I pray you,
keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates, and 195
allowed your approach rather to wonder at you than
to hear you. If you be not mad, begone; if you have
reason, be brief. ’Tis not that time of moon with me
to make one in so skipping a dialogue.

MARIA Will you hoist sail, sir? Here lies your way. 200

VIOLA No, good swabber, I am to hull here a little
longer.—Some mollification for your giant, sweet
lady.

OLIVIA Tell me your mind.

VIOLA I am a messenger. 205

OLIVIA Sure you have some hideous matter to deliver
when the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your
office.

VIOLA It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture
of war, no taxation of homage. I hold the olive in 210
my hand. My words are as full of peace as matter.

OLIVIA Yet you began rudely. What are you? What
would you?

VIOLA The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I
learned from my entertainment. What I am and 215
what I would are as secret as maidenhead: to your
ears, divinity; to any other’s, profanation.

OLIVIA Give us the place alone. We will hear this
divinity. Maria and Attendants exit. Now, sir, what
is your text? 220

VIOLA Most sweet lady—

OLIVIA A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said
of it. Where lies your text?

VIOLA In Orsino’s bosom.

OLIVIA In his bosom? In what chapter of his bosom? 225

VIOLA To answer by the method, in the first of his heart.

OLIVIA O, I have read it; it is heresy. Have you no more
to say?

VIOLA Good madam, let me see your face.

OLIVIA Have you any commission from your lord to 230
negotiate with my face? You are now out of your
text. But we will draw the curtain and show you the
picture. She removes her veil. Look you, sir, such a
one I was this present. Is ’t not well done?

Olivia's not interested in Duke Orsino's cliché attempts to sweet talk her, so she toys with "Cesario" for a while and asks why he was so lippy when he was out at the gate. "Cesario" insists that "he" needs to speak to Olivia alone so he can deliver his private message.

"Cesario" tries to deliver the memorized speech again, but Olivia cuts "him" off and mocks the Duke's little love letter.

"Cesario" asks to see Olivia's face, and Olivia removes her veil.

VIOLA Excellently done, if God did all. 235

OLIVIA ’Tis in grain, sir; ’twill endure wind and
weather.

VIOLA
’Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white
Nature’s own sweet and cunning hand laid on.
Lady, you are the cruel’st she alive 240
If you will lead these graces to the grave
And leave the world no copy.

OLIVIA O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted! I will give
out divers schedules of my beauty. It shall be
inventoried and every particle and utensil labeled 245
to my will: as, item, two lips indifferent red; item,
two gray eyes with lids to them; item, one neck, one
chin, and so forth. Were you sent hither to praise
me?

VIOLA
I see you what you are. You are too proud. 250
But if you were the devil you are fair.
My lord and master loves you. O, such love
Could be but recompensed though you were
crowned
The nonpareil of beauty. 255

OLIVIA How does he love me?

VIOLA With adorations, fertile tears,
With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.

OLIVIA
Your lord does know my mind. I cannot love him.
Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble, 260
Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth;
In voices well divulged, free, learned, and valiant,
And in dimension and the shape of nature
A gracious person. But yet I cannot love him.
He might have took his answer long ago. 265

VIOLA
If I did love you in my master’s flame,
With such a suff’ring, such a deadly life,
In your denial I would find no sense.
I would not understand it.

"Cesario" says that Olivia is gorgeous—she should get married and have some good looking kids with Orsino.

Exasperated, Olivia says that the Duke already knows she's not into him. He's nice and all, and rich, and handsome, but he needs to learn to take "no" for an answer.

"Cesario" says that doesn't make any sense.

OLIVIA Why, what would you? 270

VIOLA
Make me a willow cabin at your gate
And call upon my soul within the house,
Write loyal cantons of contemnèd love
And sing them loud even in the dead of night,
Hallow your name to the reverberate hills 275
And make the babbling gossip of the air
Cry out “Olivia!” O, you should not rest
Between the elements of air and earth
But you should pity me.

OLIVIA You might do much. 280
What is your parentage?

VIOLA
Above my fortunes, yet my state is well.
I am a gentleman.

OLIVIA Get you to your lord.
I cannot love him. Let him send no more— 285
Unless perchance you come to me again
To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well.
I thank you for your pains. Spend this for me.
She offers money.

VIOLA
I am no fee’d post, lady. Keep your purse.
My master, not myself, lacks recompense. 290
Love make his heart of flint that you shall love,
And let your fervor, like my master’s, be
Placed in contempt. Farewell, fair cruelty.

She exits.

Olivia asks "Cesario" what he would do if he loved her (Olivia) and "Cesario" says "he" would stand at Olivia's gate and sing love poetry until Olivia took pity on "him."

Olivia is totally smitten when she hears this and she asks "Cesario" about his parentage, to which "Cesario" replies that "he" is well-born.

Olivia tells "Cesario" to go back to Orsino and tell him to quit bothering her. Then Cesario should come back and tell Olivia what the Duke has to say about that. Olivia tries to give "Cesario" a few coins for his trouble, but "Cesario" tells her to keep her money.

OLIVIA “What is your parentage?”
“Above my fortunes, yet my state is well. 295
I am a gentleman.” I’ll be sworn thou art.
Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions, and spirit
Do give thee fivefold blazon. Not too fast! Soft,
soft!
Unless the master were the man. How now? 300
Even so quickly may one catch the plague?
Methinks I feel this youth’s perfections
With an invisible and subtle stealth
To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be.—
What ho, Malvolio! 305

Enter Malvolio.

MALVOLIO Here, madam, at your service.

OLIVIA
Run after that same peevish messenger,
The County’s man. He left this ring behind him,
Would I or not. Tell him I’ll none of it.

She hands him a ring.

Desire him not to flatter with his lord, 310
Nor hold him up with hopes. I am not for him.
If that the youth will come this way tomorrow,
I’ll give him reasons for ’t. Hie thee, Malvolio.

MALVOLIO Madam, I will.

He exits.

OLIVIA
I do I know not what, and fear to find 315
Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind.
Fate, show thy force. Ourselves we do not owe.
What is decreed must be, and be this so.

She exits.

When "Cesario" leaves, Olivia says "Cesario" is a total dream-boat.

Malvolio enters the room and Olivia lies and says that "Cesario" gave her a ring from the Duke. She says she doesn't want it so Malvolio should run after "Cesario" and return the trinket, ASAP.

Olivia has apparently forgotten about her quest to mourn for her dead brother. She tells us that "fate" has brought "Cesario" to her, so she'll let whatever happens happen.

Twelfth Night, or What You Will: Act 1, Scene 5 Translation

A side-by-side translation of Act 1, Scene 5 of Twelfth Night, or What You Will from the original Shakespeare into modern English.

Original Text

Translated Text

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