ShmoopTube

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smell kindergarten teacher a la shmoop while you begin every morning by looking

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out over a sea of small smiling faces most rational adults would run screaming [teacher enters room full of small children]

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from the room they know what's coming you however managed to think your class [woman runs away]

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of two dozen kindergartners is adorable for a full five seconds a new record

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that's when you notice that three of your students are lice-infested another [three happily infested children]

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has pink eye and two more going mano a mano on the rug over who should have

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possession of Curious George gets a divorce well you simply smile and break

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up the fight while delivering a lecture on the joys of sharing for you Oh

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kindergarten teacher are a good person maybe we should go so far as to call you [halo above teacher's head]

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a saint but don't you kind of have to die for that first right perhaps you're

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also kind of clueless why else on earth would you get your bachelor's degree

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jump through the many hoops required to earn a teaching certification and then [diplomas on table]

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resign yourself to a life of near minimum wage pay in substitute parenting

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feral five-year-olds what's wrong with you [children running around]

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well maybe you thought your glaring side I wasn't epic enough to handle a roomful

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of middle school kids maybe the very thought of teaching calculus makes you

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break out in a cold sweat or maybe it's less about being clueless and more about

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being what is it called oh yeah an idealist you believe that every child

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should have access to an excellent education from the get-go you believe [pictures of children]

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that every child can grow up to be a responsible taxpaying American with

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morals intellectual curiosity and a six-figure salary your idealism is

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admirable truly we scoff at you we're pretty confident your blind faith in

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humanity isn't gonna survive long let's start with the money hey there is none [empty money vault]

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you know that we know that aliens on Pluto know that but it isn't just that

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your salary is laughably low given that you turn unsocialized little monsters

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some of whom don't even speak proper English and some of whom have learning

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disabilities yeah into smart savvy students who can survive the stresses of

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any school subject you can't even get the funding and the resources you need [teacher holding upturned hat]

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to get crayons in your classroom an aid to help you wrangle 24 kids ah books

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that don't fall apart when you touch them and well crayons that aren't in a

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million pieces double ha it's a ha ha and what about that pet hamster you know

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the one so that kids can learn that fighting animals on fire is a no-no yeah

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dream on not gonna happen oh and then there's the question of whether or not

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you'll even have a job in your school district next year oh sure there's a

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union that represents you and claims to look out for your interests when it

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comes to ending renegotiating your employment contract every year but your

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reps fight with the district constantly because again there are too many line [men boxing]

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items in the budget too many administrative bureaucrats standing in

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line with their hands out ahead of you and not enough cash to go around

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speaking of money where in the world did it all go well sadly your fanatical [money vanishing in vault]

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devotion to public education is not shared by every Joe taxpayer Joe you see

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has other things he'd like to spend his tax money on maybe he'd like to take a

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well-deserved vacation and keep some of the money instead of paying it out his [happy man on beach]

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taxes or maybe he'd like to put a new roof on his house average Joe isn't rich

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either you know or maybe he'd rather stick that extra cash in the bank for

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when the next big hurricane smacks into Louisiana all these things are good for [family around house]

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Joe his family the local economy and the not so local economy but because

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America's public education system is funded by taxpayers Joe's thriftiness

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doesn't necessarily want to benefit your kindergartners and while getting the

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money you need to educate your students is like pulling teeth you don't even

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need to ask anyone to get reams of new standards and tests and curricula let's

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just appear like magic well all of that paper serves a purpose but it can be [stacks of paper falling onto desk]

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frustrating trying to run your classroom when the foundations beneath your feet

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are always slipping away and have we mentioned the parents oh boy yeah [parent alert]

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parents are awful as a teacher you'll spend hours before you fall asleep every

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night debating who's worst is it the overprotective parents who question your

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every move or the parents who should never have been parents in the first

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place and who think it's totally kosher to send Little Jimmy the school empty

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handed for show-and-tell either way they will do their utmost to

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keep you from doing your job so why did you want to be a kindergarten teacher [parents mobbing teacher]

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why burn through your best years teaching over sugared kids who will pick

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mom's iphone over a book every single time why deal with parents who do

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nothing but shout criticisms in your ear even as you try to civilize their

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children why teach when so many of your fellow citizens think of you as little

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more than a glorified babysitter well the answer is simple you teach

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kindergarten because your inherent a decent person with a martyr complex oh [halo'ed teacher]

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and also some of the kids are pretty cool some of the time but maybe there's [kid leaves apple on desk]

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something else driving you maybe when you sit down at your desk at the end of

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the day to drink your herbal tea and look over the next day's lesson plan you

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allow yourself to close your eyes for a moment and dream in your dream you run a

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private kindergarten your students are a diverse group rich and poor male and

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female black and white Giants fans and losers parents fight with each other to

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get to volunteer in your classroom and you teach mindfulness gardening and art

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along with reading riting and rithmetic the snacks are organic the nap times are

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long and there's no standardized curriculum thrown together by some

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bureaucrat in Washington telling you how to teach kids it's a beautiful dream but

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then it turns into a nightmare sure if you owned a home you could run

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your kindergarden out of your living room but as a teacher you can barely [small apartment]

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afford your shoebox-sized studio apartment renting a space in the local

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strip mall for your private kindergartens out of the question way

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too expensive to compete with Starbucks and all of that delicious and nutritious

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goodness from Whole Foods while that costs a fortune and the salaries and

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benefits of the other teachers you'd have to hire in order to teach more kids

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while that costs another fortune in registering with the States or your [teacher bleeding money]

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private kindergarten is legal oh that's another fortune financial reality forces

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you awake it would cost as much as you earn in a year to start your own [teacher falls out of chair]

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kindergarten maybe even as much as you earn in two years and even as the owner

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of a private kindergarten the margins on your business would always be so thin or

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take home salaries probably less than 40 grand a year so let's face it you're

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better off sticking it out with the mediocrity of the public school system

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you open your eyes and discover that your tea is cold and you too

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have lice there is no fame no glory there is no money there was only the

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commitment to the ideal and the nits we salute you sucker [teacher with lice shampoo in bathroom]

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