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Shmoopin' the Bible….the Book of Daniel.

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Cecil B. DeShmoop here, with another edition of Shmoopin' the Bible.

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Chances are you've heard of this roaring good tale…

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Heh…roaring? 'Cause…lion's den? No?

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Well. Moving on…

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So Daniel lived in a time when things weren't going so hot for the Jewish people.

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The Babylonians had recently invaded their homeland, and they were scattered all over the place.

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Daniel has three good buds, Shadrach ,

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Meshach and Abednego …

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yikes…imagine trying to spell those names in elementary school….

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and they're all well educated guys

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who end up serving in the palace of King Nebuchadnezzar .

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One night, the king has a terrible dream.

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Probably the one where he's naked in front of his kingdom again…so embarrassing….

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Anyway, good ol' Nebby calls in all of his wise men and is like, "Hey, y'all are wise.

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Can you figure out the meaning of the dream I just had? Oh, and I'm not going to tell

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you what the dream was…so can you do that too? Cool. Go for it."

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Yup, you heard me. He wants them to tell him his own dream.

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Oh. And he’s going to tear them all limb from limb if they can’t do it.

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Super reasonable fella, eh?

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The wise men are like, "What is happening right now. Are we dreaming?

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Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy… caught in a landslide, no escape from reality…."

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Ahem. Sorry. That's my go-to karaoke song.

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But they're unfortunately very much awake.

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The wise men start freaking out, and presumably start guessing stuff like

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"Did you start a folk band with Beyoncé in outer space?"

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The king is like, "What? That's absolutely ridiculous. …Beyoncé's too cool to start

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a folk band with me…"

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Not that I'm saying Beyoncé has been around since Biblical times, but…I'm not not saying

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that, either…. Anyway, the wise men can't figure it out,

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and the king is like, "Yeah, lol, only a god could do this, #sorrynotsorry" and orders

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all the wise men to be put to death.

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And even though Daniel wasn't around for the dream interpretation, he's arrested with the

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rest of the wise men.

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But because Daniel isn't too keen on dying just yet, he's like "Okay, this whole situation

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is kind of crazy, but put me in coach. Let me try figuring it out."

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He prays to God, who lets him in on old Nebby’s dream, as well as what it means.

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So Daniel heads back to Nebby and is like, "So God gave me the inside scoop…you dreamt

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of this giant statue of a human. He had a gold head, silver chest and arms, his thighs

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and stomach were bronze, his legs were iron, and his feet were iron and clay. But get this….the

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statue is destroyed, and the stone that destroys it is turned into a giant mountain that covers

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the entire earth."

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Nebby's like, "That's some Big Brother stuff you just did…but okay, what does it all mean?"

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Danny boy tells him what each part of the statue symbolizes, that the kingdom will eventually

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be divided, and that the stone symbolizes the kingdom of God, which will annihilate

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all the other kingdoms and permanently replace them, standing for all time.

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Nebuchadnezzar is like, "Huh. I thought I was just dreaming about some weird Power Rangers

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episode, or something…"

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But he's pretty impressed and gives Daniel a big promotion, making him the ruler of the

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province of Babylon. He also praises Daniel's God, and is like "This guy is clearly the

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God of gods if he could figure out my trippy Power Rangers dream…"

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But things are never easy, and we're about to run into a little trouble.

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Nebuchadnezzar was impressed with Daniel’s God, yes, but he also thinks pretty highly

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of himself. So he does what any rational person would do. He builds himself a giant gold statue,

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and forces everyone to bow down and worship it.

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…Do rational people not do that? …Hang on...

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At Shmoop here we gotta cancel a sculptor we just hired…for….no reason….

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Unfortunately, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego are seen not bowing down to the statue because

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they refuse to worship anyone but God. As you can imagine, this does not sit well with the king.

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His totally rational response? Throw them in a furnace that's been heated to seven times

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its normal temperature.

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I suppose Nebby wanted to….fire….them….

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In a shocking twist, Shad, Mesh, and Gogo are completely unharmed in the furnace,

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and the king sees a fourth person––possibly an angel–– in the flames with them.

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Nebuchadnezzar is even more impressed with the Jewish God, and outlaws any blasphemy

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against him, or else––you guessed it––offenders would be torn limb from limb. This guy and

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his limb tearing…

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You would think the king would bow down to God at this point, but he really wants that

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sculpture made...

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So God is like, "Enough of this," and punishes him by turning him mad and sending him out

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into the wilderness for seven years.

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Huh. Sounds like every camping trip we've ever been on…

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Apparently Nebuchadnezzar is able to restore himself by praising God, and returns to being

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king after seven years.

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…I feel like the Babylonians should have had some reservations about that, but what

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do we know here?

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Anyway, Nebby doesn't mess up anymore, and ends his reign without throwing anymore people

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in furnaces.

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After the Babylonians come the Persians. And even though we've got a new king in the mix––King

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Darius––Daniel is still just doing his thing, interpreting dreams and signs, being

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a cool advisor…the usual.

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But he’s so trusted that King Darius’s other advisors start to get jealous, and they

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trick the king into proclaiming that for a thirty day period, anyone who doesn’t worship

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him will be thrown into a lions’ den.

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Remember that excellent roar pun I made at the beginning of this?

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If you say no, you're lion.

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Heh…

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Anyway. Now we’re getting to the good stuff.

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Daniel is oblivious, and keeps worshipping God, like always. He is arrested, and even

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though Darius doesn’t want to throw him to the lions, the other advisors are like,

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“Hey, rules are rules.”

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Good to see all these kings have such strong backbones.

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Anyway, before he tosses him in the lions’ den, Darius tells Daniel he hopes his god

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will save him.

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And guess what? In a completely unexpected twist that I'm sure no one saw coming, that’s

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exactly what happens.

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God sends an angel to keep the lions’ mouths shut, and Daniel comes out the next day without

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a scratch, and with brunch plans for next Sunday with his new lion pal.

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Darius is happy to see him alive and well, and decides to punish the conspirators by

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throwing them, their wives, and their children, to the lions. No angels show up this time,

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and the kids learn that Disney movies don't always tell the truth.

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I'm not saying The Lion King existed back then….but the Bible doesn't say that it

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didn't exist….

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The rest of the book deals with Daniel interpreting dreams and having visions of the end of time,

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as well as speaking with angels. Some trippy stuff.

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The book ends with angels telling Daniel to go and rest, and he will receive his reward

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at the end of days.

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Daniel's like "Hakuna Matata," and goes to take a nap.

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And that's how the book of Daniel ends.

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….Okay, maybe it doesn't end with a nap. But I'm pretty sure it does end with a rousing

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rendition of "Hakuna Matata".

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Join me for next time for The Twelve Minor Prophets. One of them may or may not be Beyoncé….

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What a cliffhanger.

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