Typical Day
It's 4:45AM and Mortimer is up with the second ring of the phone. He sets his bold-roast coffee to brew while he takes a short pre-work shower. He takes a few solitary moments with his breakfast (toast and jam) before he gets into his car, half a travel mug of coffee at his side. Why the quick steps to get out of the house? Because Mort sees dead people―and he's got an appointment with one in half an hour.
While Mort would never be described as looking rushed, his reputation has been built on his uncanny ability to be punctual. Open availability and good timing are unspoken job requirements in his field: as an embalmer, he knows the dead won't wait. Not that they're going to get up and walk away, obviously. We're talking in the biological, science-y sense. The natural decomposition process began the moment the person passed into the beyond, and Mort's job is to hold off that process as long as possible.
He pulls into the funeral parlor's parking lot a bit before 5:30AM. Today's first call is early, but it's not the earliest he's ever had. It's not even the earliest of the week. Two days before, he was called in at a quarter past two to clean and restore an elderly woman from the local nursing home. At that time of night, he was also responsible for transporting the woman. Even with this much experience, hearses still creep him out.
This morning, he'll be able to focus solely on the embalming process. The transport arrives around 6:00AM. Mort signs the paperwork (accept the body, transportation invoice, etc.) and the deceased is taken into the embalming room. There, Mort meets Mr. Stafford, a local tax specialist and the unfortunate victim of a heart attack at the age of sixty-two.
Without a second thought, he begins removing his new subject's clothes. Blatant nudity is just another part of the job. Also part of the job: more paperwork―namely, inventory logs for body condition, personal items, and what chemicals will be used in the process. Paperwork complete, he puts down his pen, takes a deep yawning stretch, and gets to work.
Mort sets out his tools and begins the process of cleaning and restoring. The motions are the same on Mr. Stafford this morning as they are on most of those who pass through the doors on their way to their final resting place. He begins with a surface cleaning, disinfecting the orifices and shaving his face. Around 7:30AM, he's finished with the clean, and now he moves on to the feature setting.
Feature setting sounds like a fun day at the movies, but it's really setting the face and body into a specific position, which is a little more fun. Over the course the next hour, Mort will do the work: tie Mr. Stafford's jaw shut through his nasal cavity; set eye caps and cotton into his eyes so that they remain shut; and place a mouth former inside the gums to prevent droopage, among other tasks. He'll also close shut any stray holes in the face that might be prone to "leakage."
Finally, at 8:30AM, he's ready for the main event: embalming. First comes part one: arterial embalming. Before he starts, he makes sure all the tubes are in proper working order―Mort does not want to clean up any messes like that this morning.
He begins injecting the formaldehyde and water solutions into one artery, while simultaneously draining blood from a nearby vein. No problems there; the blood makes its way through the tubes and into the drain on the floor. Two gallons of solution flow through the body, which Mort can see as the arteries bubble with pressure. Once complete, he ties off the veins and cleans and closes all of the openings.
Next comes the cavity embalming, which is exactly what it sounds like. Mort has set the tissue and muscles. Now, around 9:30AM, he has to work on the internal organs. First, he sticks another big ol' tube inside Mr. Stafford to puncture the organs and remove the fluids. A stronger mix of fluids than before are injected directly into the deceased's torso. The orifices of the nether regions get closed up with cotton and gauze, and that's about as family-friendly as it can be described.
At 10:30AM, the body has been fully embalmed and set. Mort transitions from a creepy mortician to a creepy stylist. The body is washed again to remove any excess chemicals or bodily fluids (the human body has a lot of fluid). Hair, clothing, and natural make-up are done with care and an eye towards the wishes of the family. Mort notices the tie and realizes he has one exactly like it at home. That happens sometimes, and Mort tries not to think about it too much.
At about 12:30PM, with the job done and Mr. Stafford lying in cold storage, Mort goes home to have some lunch and relax in his own space as long as he can. He never strays too far from his phone. Sure enough, while he dozes in his reading chair for a light power nap, another call comes in. The details of this one are pretty difficult for anyone to swallow, as a young mother lost her battle with cancer. Mort gets no pleasure out of the circumstances, but grabbing his keys and jacket, he puts his game face on.
To do his job well, he must put his emotions on the backburner and focus on the task at hand. As he did this morning, Mort puts all his professional grace and care into reclaiming this person for one more visit before the grave. In time, the family will mourn, the dead will rest in peace, and Mort will move on to the next of the departed.
At 5:30PM, the embalming is done and the new cadaver is on ice. Mort does some more light paperwork. He has a memorial service this coming Saturday and he needs to make sure both the itinerary and the grave marker are set in stone.
Closing time this evening comes around 7:00PM, although "office hours" never officially end. As always, he takes a quick shower before heading home. After dinner comes herbal tea and a good book (Mort hasn't watched TV since the '90s).
He gets to bed around 9:00PM. The earlier he gets to bed, the better: you never know when that first call is going to come in. Death waits for no man, especially not the guy who has to make it look pretty.