Salary
Average Salary: $93,000
Expected Lifetime Earnings: $3,882,564
You certainly won't be driving a Lamborghini into work (they're not really newborn-appropriate anyway), but you'll be able to splurge on extra foamy lattes on the regular to keep you alert and awake. That's because with the proper experience, a Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM) earns an average yearly salary only a few grand shy of $100,000 (source).
That's right, you're getting paid six figures to help someone else deliver a baby, after which you never have to see them again—we mean the people and the babies, not the money. It sounds like you'll actually be seeing a lot of that.
CNM salaries can vary widely depending on where you live, where you work, and how long you've been working. When starting out you'll be closer to the $75,000 end of the spectrum, whereas the most experienced midwives will make well over $120,000 (source). You'll make more if you work at a private practice or a hospital, a little less at a health clinic or birth center, and much less if you only do home births.
More degrees, certifications, and years of experience will translate into a higher paycheck as well. You might not want to pay attention in Spanish, but that's a language we're sure you'll want to speak. ¿Se habla dinero?
Most CNMs and CMs get some nice benefit packages too (source). The paid vacation, sick time, social security, plus medical and prescription insurance certainly sweetens the deal. And if it includes child care, maybe you'll even have your own midwife. Maybe you even know them already; wouldn't that just be the weirdest?