Flourish. Enter King, Countess, Lafew, the two French
Lords, with Attendants. KING
We lost a jewel of her, and our esteem
Was made much poorer by it. But your son,
As mad in folly, lacked the sense to know
Her estimation home. COUNTESS ’Tis past, my liege, 5
And I beseech your Majesty to make it
Natural rebellion done i’ th’ blade of youth,
When oil and fire, too strong for reason’s force,
O’erbears it and burns on. KING My honored lady, 10
I have forgiven and forgotten all,
Though my revenges were high bent upon him
And watched the time to shoot. LAFEW This I must say—
But first I beg my pardon: the young lord 15
Did to his Majesty, his mother, and his lady
Offense of mighty note, but to himself
The greatest wrong of all. He lost a wife
Whose beauty did astonish the survey
Of richest eyes, whose words all ears took captive, 20
Whose dear perfection hearts that scorned to serve
Humbly called mistress. KING Praising what is lost
Makes the remembrance dear. Well, call him hither.
We are reconciled, and the first view shall kill 25
All repetition. Let him not ask our pardon.
The nature of his great offense is dead,
And deeper than oblivion we do bury
Th’ incensing relics of it. Let him approach
A stranger, no offender, and inform him 30
So ’tis our will he should. GENTLEMAN I shall, my liege. He exits. KING
What says he to your daughter? Have you spoke? LAFEW
All that he is hath reference to your Highness. KING
Then shall we have a match. I have letters sent me 35
That sets him high in fame. | The King of France and the Countess of Roussillon talk about everything that has happened. Everyone is sad that Helen is dead but, hey, life goes on. The King and Countess agree that Bertram should be forgiven for his bad behavior; after all, everyone makes mistakes when they're young. Lafew chimes in that, actually, Bertram's behavior has been pretty despicable. Still, after the King basically pardons Bertram, Lafew and the King confirm that Bertram will be engaged to Lafew's daughter. |
Enter Count Bertram. LAFEW He looks well on ’t. KING I am not a day of season,
For thou mayst see a sunshine and a hail
In me at once. But to the brightest beams 40
Distracted clouds give way. So stand thou forth.
The time is fair again. BERTRAM My high-repented blames,
Dear sovereign, pardon to me. KING All is whole. 45
Not one word more of the consumèd time.
Let’s take the instant by the forward top,
For we are old, and on our quick’st decrees
Th’ inaudible and noiseless foot of time
Steals ere we can effect them. You remember 50
The daughter of this lord? BERTRAM Admiringly, my liege. At first
I stuck my choice upon her, ere my heart
Durst make too bold a herald of my tongue;
Where the impression of mine eye infixing, 55
Contempt his scornful perspective did lend me,
Which warped the line of every other favor,
Scorned a fair color or expressed it stol’n,
Extended or contracted all proportions
To a most hideous object. Thence it came 60
That she whom all men praised and whom myself,
Since I have lost, have loved, was in mine eye
The dust that did offend it. KING Well excused.
That thou didst love her strikes some scores away 65
From the great compt. But love that comes too late,
Like a remorseful pardon slowly carried,
To the great sender turns a sour offense,
Crying “That’s good that’s gone!” Our rash faults
Make trivial price of serious things we have, 70
Not knowing them until we know their grave.
Oft our displeasures, to ourselves unjust,
Destroy our friends and after weep their dust.
Our own love, waking, cries to see what’s done,
While shameful hate sleeps out the afternoon. 75
Be this sweet Helen’s knell, and now forget her.
Send forth your amorous token for fair Maudlin.
The main consents are had, and here we’ll stay
To see our widower’s second marriage day. COUNTESS
Which better than the first, O dear heaven, bless, 80
Or, ere they meet, in me, O nature, cesse! LAFEW
Come on, my son, in whom my house’s name
Must be digested, give a favor from you
To sparkle in the spirits of my daughter,
That she may quickly come. 85 Bertram gives him a ring. By my old beard
And ev’ry hair that’s on ’t, Helen that’s dead
Was a sweet creature. Such a ring as this,
The last that e’er I took her leave at court,
I saw upon her finger. 90 BERTRAM Hers it was not. | When Bertram arrives, the King gives a big speech about Bertram's bad behavior, and Bertram apologizes. He says he's realized his mistake and regrets having treated Helen so badly. In fact, he now has come to love her and realize what he lost. Everyone is satisfied and the King announces that Bertram will now be marrying Lafew's daughter (Maudlin). But when they ask Bertram to offer up a ring to secure the commitment, Lafew notices that the ring Bertram removes from his finger is the one that Helen wore. Bertram says no way the ring is Helen's. He thinks he got this ring from Diana during a steamy hook-up...not that he really wants to admit that to anyone. |
KING
Now, pray you, let me see it, for mine eye,
While I was speaking, oft was fastened to ’t. Lafew passes the ring to the King. This ring was mine, and when I gave it Helen,
I bade her if her fortunes ever stood 95
Necessitied to help, that by this token
I would relieve her. To Bertram. Had you that craft to
reave her
Of what should stead her most? BERTRAM My gracious 100
sovereign,
Howe’er it pleases you to take it so,
The ring was never hers. COUNTESS Son, on my life,
I have seen her wear it, and she reckoned it 105
At her life’s rate. LAFEW I am sure I saw her wear it. BERTRAM
You are deceived, my lord. She never saw it.
In Florence was it from a casement thrown me,
Wrapped in a paper which contained the name 110
Of her that threw it. Noble she was, and thought
I stood ungaged, but when I had subscribed
To mine own fortune and informed her fully
I could not answer in that course of honor
As she had made the overture, she ceased 115
In heavy satisfaction and would never
Receive the ring again. KING Plutus himself,
That knows the tinct and multiplying med’cine,
Hath not in nature’s mystery more science 120
Than I have in this ring. ’Twas mine, ’twas Helen’s,
Whoever gave it you. Then if you know
That you are well acquainted with yourself,
Confess ’twas hers and by what rough enforcement
You got it from her. She called the saints to surety 125
That she would never put it from her finger
Unless she gave it to yourself in bed,
Where you have never come, or sent it us
Upon her great disaster. BERTRAM She never saw it. 130 KING
Thou speak’st it falsely, as I love mine honor,
And mak’st conjectural fears to come into me
Which I would fain shut out. If it should prove
That thou art so inhuman—’twill not prove so,
And yet I know not. Thou didst hate her deadly, 135
And she is dead, which nothing but to close
Her eyes myself could win me to believe
More than to see this ring.—Take him away.
My forepast proofs, howe’er the matter fall,
Shall tax my fears of little vanity, 140
Having vainly feared too little. Away with him.
We’ll sift this matter further. BERTRAM If you shall prove
This ring was ever hers, you shall as easy
Prove that I husbanded her bed in Florence, 145
Where yet she never was. He exits, under guard. | The King looks down and says that, yeah, that's definitely Helen's ring. In fact, he gave it to her after she cured his disease. He wonders if Bertram murdered Helen to get it off her finger. Bertram tries to weasel his way out of it. He makes up a silly story about some girl throwing it to him out her bedroom window in an attempt to woo him. He, of course, told her he was unavailable, but she wouldn't take the ring back. The King doesn't believe him one bit. He says that Helen promised never to remove the ring until she had sex with Bertram and could personally put it on his finger while they were in bed. (Yeah, Shakespeare is cracking another dirty ring joke.) The King orders his men to arrest Bertram and drag him off to the slammer. Bertram denies everything, saying, "This is ridiculous. If you're telling me this is Helen's ring, then you might as well claim I slept with her in Florence, which is impossible." (Boy is he in for a surprise.) |
KING
I am wrapped in dismal thinkings. Enter a Gentleman. GENTLEMAN Gracious sovereign,
Whether I have been to blame or no, I know not. He gives the King a paper. Here’s a petition from a Florentine 150
Who hath for four or five removes come short
To tender it herself. I undertook it,
Vanquished thereto by the fair grace and speech
Of the poor suppliant, who, by this, I know
Is here attending. Her business looks in her 155
With an importing visage, and she told me,
In a sweet verbal brief, it did concern
Your Highness with herself. KING reads "Upon his many protestations to marry me
when his wife was dead, I blush to say it, he won 160
me. Now is the Count Rossillion a widower, his
vows are forfeited to me and my honor’s paid to him.
He stole from Florence, taking no leave, and I follow
him to his country for justice. Grant it me, O king.
In you it best lies. Otherwise a seducer flourishes, 165
and a poor maid is undone.
Diana Capilet." LAFEW I will buy me a son-in-law in a fair, and toll for
this. I’ll none of him. KING
The heavens have thought well on thee, Lafew, 170
To bring forth this discov’ry.—Seek these suitors.
Go speedily, and bring again the Count. Gentleman and Attendants exit. I am afeard the life of Helen, lady,
Was foully snatched. COUNTESS Now justice on the doers! 175 Enter Bertram under guard. KING
I wonder, sir, since wives are monsters to you
And that you fly them as you swear them lordship,
Yet you desire to marry. Enter Widow and Diana. What woman’s that? DIANA
I am, my lord, a wretched Florentine, 180
Derivèd from the ancient Capilet.
My suit, as I do understand, you know
And therefore know how far I may be pitied. WIDOW
I am her mother, sir, whose age and honor
Both suffer under this complaint we bring, 185
And both shall cease without your remedy. KING
Come hither, count. Do you know these women? BERTRAM
My lord, I neither can nor will deny
But that I know them. Do they charge me further? DIANA
Why do you look so strange upon your wife? 190 BERTRAM
She’s none of mine, my lord. DIANA If you shall marry,
You give away this hand, and that is mine;
You give away heaven’s vows, and those are mine;
You give away myself, which is known mine, 195
For I by vow am so embodied yours
That she which marries you must marry me,
Either both or none. LAFEW, to Bertram Your reputation comes too short
for my daughter. You are no husband for her. 200 BERTRAM, to the King
My lord, this is a fond and desp’rate creature
Whom sometime I have laughed with. Let your
Highness
Lay a more noble thought upon mine honor
Than for to think that I would sink it here. 205 KING
Sir, for my thoughts, you have them ill to friend
Till your deeds gain them. Fairer prove your honor
Than in my thought it lies. DIANA Good my lord,
Ask him upon his oath if he does think 210
He had not my virginity. KING
What sayst thou to her? BERTRAM She’s impudent, my lord,
And was a common gamester to the camp. DIANA
He does me wrong, my lord. If I were so, 215
He might have bought me at a common price.
Do not believe him. O, behold this ring,
Whose high respect and rich validity
Did lack a parallel. Yet for all that
He gave it to a commoner o’ th’ camp, 220
If I be one. COUNTESS He blushes, and ’tis hit.
Of six preceding ancestors that gem,
Conferred by testament to th’ sequent issue,
Hath it been owed and worn. This is his wife. 225
That ring’s a thousand proofs. KING, to Diana Methought you said
You saw one here in court could witness it. DIANA
I did, my lord, but loath am to produce
So bad an instrument. His name’s Parolles. 230 LAFEW
I saw the man today, if man he be. KING
Find him, and bring him hither. Attendant exits. BERTRAM What of him?
He’s quoted for a most perfidious slave,
With all the spots o’ th’ world taxed and debauched, 235
Whose nature sickens but to speak a truth.
Am I or that or this for what he’ll utter,
That will speak anything? KING She hath that ring of yours. BERTRAM
I think she has. Certain it is I liked her 240
And boarded her i’ th’ wanton way of youth.
She knew her distance and did angle for me,
Madding my eagerness with her restraint,
As all impediments in fancy’s course
Are motives of more fancy; and in fine 245
Her infinite cunning with her modern grace
Subdued me to her rate. She got the ring,
And I had that which any inferior might
At market price have bought. DIANA I must be patient. 250
You that have turned off a first so noble wife
May justly diet me. I pray you yet—
Since you lack virtue, I will lose a husband—
Send for your ring. I will return it home,
And give me mine again. 255 BERTRAM I have it not. KING, to Diana What ring was yours, I pray you? DIANA
Sir, much like the same upon your finger. KING
Know you this ring? This ring was his of late. DIANA
And this was it I gave him, being abed. 260 KING
The story, then, goes false you threw it him
Out of a casement? DIANA I have spoke the truth. | Just then, the Gentleman shows up and delivers the note Helen gave him to the King. She's a sly one, because the note is allegedly from Diana, claiming that Bertram promised to marry her, stole her virginity, and ran away. Hearing this, Lafew changes his tune about letting Bertram marry his daughter. Diana and her mom show up and Diana claims to be Bertram's wife. Bertram claims that he has no idea what she's talking about and calls her a common prostitute. In response, Diana whips out Bertram's family ring. Booya! Caught red-handed. Bertram confesses to sleeping with Diana, but claims that she's the one who seduced him. Plus, he overpaid for her "services." He claims he could have had her for whatever the going rate is for a prostitute. (This guy is considered a catch why, exactly? Oh right. Nobility and wealth. Sheesh.) |
Enter Parolles. BERTRAM
My lord, I do confess the ring was hers. KING
You boggle shrewdly. Every feather starts you.— 265
Is this the man you speak of? DIANA Ay, my lord. KING
Tell me, sirrah—but tell me true, I charge you,
Not fearing the displeasure of your master,
Which, on your just proceeding, I’ll keep off— 270
By him and by this woman here what know you? PAROLLES So please your Majesty, my master hath
been an honorable gentleman. Tricks he hath had
in him which gentlemen have. KING Come, come, to th’ purpose. Did he love this 275
woman? PAROLLES Faith, sir, he did love her, but how? KING How, I pray you? PAROLLES He did love her, sir, as a gentleman loves a
woman. 280 KING How is that? PAROLLES He loved her, sir, and loved her not. KING As thou art a knave and no knave. What an
equivocal companion is this! PAROLLES I am a poor man, and at your Majesty’s 285
command. LAFEW He’s a good drum, my lord, but a naughty
orator. DIANA Do you know he promised me marriage? PAROLLES Faith, I know more than I’ll speak. 290 KING But wilt thou not speak all thou know’st? PAROLLES Yes, so please your Majesty. I did go
between them, as I said; but more than that he
loved her, for indeed he was mad for her, and
talked of Satan and of limbo and of furies and I 295
know not what. Yet I was in that credit with them
at that time, that I knew of their going to bed and
of other motions, as promising her marriage, and
things which would derive me ill will to speak of.
Therefore I will not speak what I know. 300 KING Thou hast spoken all already, unless thou canst
say they are married. But thou art too fine in thy
evidence. Therefore stand aside. To Diana.
This ring you say was yours? DIANA Ay, my good lord. 305 KING
Where did you buy it? Or who gave it you? DIANA
It was not given me, nor I did not buy it. KING
Who lent it you? DIANA It was not lent me neither. KING
Where did you find it then? 310 DIANA I found it not. KING
If it were yours by none of all these ways,
How could you give it him? DIANA I never gave it him. LAFEW This woman’s an easy glove, my lord; she goes 315
off and on at pleasure. KING
This ring was mine. I gave it his first wife. DIANA
It might be yours or hers for aught I know. KING, to Attendants
Take her away. I do not like her now.
To prison with her, and away with him.— 320
Unless thou tell’st me where thou hadst this ring,
Thou diest within this hour. DIANA I’ll never tell you. KING
Take her away. DIANA I’ll put in bail, my liege. 325 KING
I think thee now some common customer. DIANA, to Bertram
By Jove, if ever I knew man, ’twas you. KING
Wherefore hast thou accused him all this while? DIANA
Because he’s guilty and he is not guilty.
He knows I am no maid, and he’ll swear to ’t. 330
I’ll swear I am a maid, and he knows not.
Great king, I am no strumpet. By my life,
I am either maid or else this old man’s wife. KING
She does abuse our ears. To prison with her. | Then Parolles comes in and rats out Bertram for seducing Diana. The King turns to Diana and asks her where she got Helen's ring. Diana starts talking in riddles about who she is and how she got the ring, which totally annoys the King. He orders his men to cart her off to jail. |
DIANA
Good mother, fetch my bail. Widow exits. Stay, 335
royal sir.
The jeweler that owes the ring is sent for,
And he shall surety me. But for this lord
Who hath abused me as he knows himself,
Though yet he never harmed me, here I quit him. 340
He knows himself my bed he hath defiled,
And at that time he got his wife with child.
Dead though she be, she feels her young one kick.
So there’s my riddle: one that’s dead is quick.
And now behold the meaning. 345 Enter Helen and Widow. KING Is there no exorcist
Beguiles the truer office of mine eyes?
Is ’t real that I see? HELEN No, my good lord,
’Tis but the shadow of a wife you see, 350
The name and not the thing. BERTRAM Both, both. O, pardon! HELEN
O, my good lord, when I was like this maid,
I found you wondrous kind. There is your ring,
And, look you, here’s your letter. She takes out a 355
paper. This it says:
When from my finger you can get this ring
And are by me with child, etc. This is done.
Will you be mine now you are doubly won? BERTRAM
If she, my liege, can make me know this clearly, 360
I’ll love her dearly, ever, ever dearly. HELEN
If it appear not plain and prove untrue,
Deadly divorce step between me and you.—
O my dear mother, do I see you living? LAFEW
Mine eyes smell onions. I shall weep anon.— 365
To Parolles. Good Tom Drum, lend me a handkercher.
So, I thank thee. Wait on me home.
I’ll make sport with thee. Let thy courtesies alone.
They are scurvy ones. KING
Let us from point to point this story know, 370
To make the even truth in pleasure flow.
To Diana. If thou be’st yet a fresh uncroppèd flower,
Choose thou thy husband, and I’ll pay thy dower.
For I can guess that by thy honest aid
Thou kept’st a wife herself, thyself a maid. 375
Of that and all the progress more and less,
Resolvedly more leisure shall express.
All yet seems well, and if it end so meet,
The bitter past, more welcome is the sweet. Flourish. | Before Diana is carted off to jail, she tells her mother to go get her "bail." The Widow quickly runs out and comes back with Helen, who cracks a joke about being a ghost that has come back to haunt Bertram. In the final gotcha moment, Helen pulls out the letter that Bertram had written, promising to be a husband to Helen if she could (a) get the ring off his finger and (b) get pregnant with his baby. She points to the ring and her belly. She wins. Bertram is stunned but he promises to love Helen "ever dearly." (Huh?!) Lafew bursts into tears. The King promises Diana that if she's still a virgin, he'll let her choose any husband she likes...because that went so well the last time. |