A Correspondence with Hera

From: rockstar_apollo@godsofolympus.com
To: queenhera@godsofolympus.com
Subject: I expect an apology

Hera,

I've been going to a lot of therapy lately, and I've been advised that I should confront those who I feel have wronged me. You, unfortunately, are one of those people.

Was it really necessary to send Python, that giant snake, to try and eat my mother, Leto? Did you really have to curse my mother, to make it so that she could not give birth on land or sea? Just think: if she hadn't found the floating island of Delos, the world would never have experienced the wonderfulness that is me.

Anyway, I think all the running around the earth that my mother did before I was born has really messed me up, and I wish you would apologize.

Sincerely,
Apollo

From: queenhera@godsofolympus.com
To: rockstar_apollo@godsofolympus.com
Re: I expect an apology

Apollo,

Are you joking? My only regret is that Python didn't devour your mother. Leto was a tramp who should've stayed away from my husband. Get over yourself. If you hadn't killed Python, I would send him after Leto, Artemis, and you all over again.

-Hera

From: rockstar_apollo@godsofolympus.com
To: queenhera@godsofolympus.com
Re: I expect an apology

Hera,

You are an irrational and hurtful person. My therapist advises me that the healthy thing to do is to cease all contact. You really are completely uncivilized.

Sincerely,
Apollo

A Correspondence with Oedipus

From: oedipusrex@thebes.gov
To: rockstar_apollo@godsofolympus.com
Subject: Oracle of Delphi

Apollo,

Seriously, is there really any good reason for the Oracle of Delphi? Doesn't it just cause more trouble than it's worth?

Case in point: me. Your Oracle told my father that he would be killed by his own son. So, he sent me away to die, and I ended up getting adopted by people who I thought were my parents. After I grew up, your Oracle told me that I was going to sleep with my mother and kill my father. I ran away to avoid this, but ended up doing it accidentally, because I had no idea who my real parents were.

Why, Apollo? What's the good is prophecy if the same thing is going to happen no matter what we do? Is it just some kind of sick game that you and the other gods are playing?

-Oedipus

From: rockstar_apollo@godsofolympus.com
To: oedipusrex@thebes.gov
Re: Oracle of Delphi

Oedipus,

This is your problem: you are way too full of pride. Even the gods are bound by fate. If you didn't want to know your future, you shouldn't have gone to Delphi to begin with. Suck it up, buddy.

-Apollo

A Correspondence with Cassandra

From: cassandra@cursedmortals.com
To: rockstar_apollo@godsofolympus.com
Subject: WHY?

Dear Apollo,

WHY? WHY ME? I'm sorry I don't have feelings for you, but does that mean I deserve to be punished like this? My nights are full of nightmares. I can't sleep. I only see the horrible things of the future, but nobody believes me. Nobody listens to me. It's as though I'm living in another world. I am losing my mind. Please help me. I will do anything (except be your girlfriend).

Respectfully yours,
Cassandra

From: rockstar_apollo@godsofolympus.com
To: cassandra@cursedmortals.com
Re: WHY?

Cassie,

Too bad, so sad. Don't mess with the gods.

-Apollo

A Correspondence with Zeus

From: rockstar_apollo@godsofolympus.com
To: zeusbolt@godsofolympus.com
Subject: Girl Trouble
Hey Dad,

Would you consider turning Daphne back into a nymph. Peneus, her father, turned her into a Laurel tree, and it really stinks. I've got it bad for her. I know how you feel about the ladies, so maybe you'll understand the urgency here?

-Apollo

From: zeusbolt@godsofolympus.com
To: rockstar_apollo@godsofolympus.com
Re: Girl Trouble

A,

Sorry. Hera is watching me like a hawk. I can't be transforming trees into nymphs. But don't worry – there are lots more fish in the sea. Trust me, I know.

Dad