Busted! This morning’s Wall Street Journal ran a story revealing that the only J.D. you’ve got is a “Joke Degree.” Consider yourself disbarred.

After being on the job market for the past six years now, you had to accept an unpaid position on a legal team representing a small-town cigarette manufacturer. Meanwhile, you’re also addicted to nicotine, and price hikes on cigarettes are bleeding your personal savings account dry. Oh, irony.

You finally made it into the courtroom, and then you lost your first case. But as some of the lawyers around the water cooler said on Monday, you lost with more style than anyone has ever lost before. Needless to say, some of the bigwigs at Philip Morris were impressed, and you’ve got an interview on Tuesday.

You just won your fifth case – in front of the Supreme Court, no less. We’re pretty sure your pupils just turned into giant, cartoon dollar signs. And did the sound of your footsteps just turn into “Ka-Ching”??

With the windfall from a $300 billion settlement you just clinched, the largest in tobacco history, you’re finally able to buy that planet you always your eye on. Can people smoke on space stations? They can if you’re assigned the case…