ShmoopTube

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Orpheus <ORR-fee-us>, a la Shmoop.

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Real love is when you can look past your significant

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other’s tiny imperfections. Like the way he leaves nose hairs in the sink…

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Or washes your white toga with his red underwear…

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Or condemns you to a tragic, early death with his inability to follow simple instructions.

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Although, if you ask me, that one is a little harder to forgive than leaving the toilet seat up.

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You’ve probably all heard of my famous husband, Orpheus <Orr-fee-us>.

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It seems like everybody’s got one of his concert tees in their closet.

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Well, I’m the woman behind the legend. My name’s Eurydice <Yur-ID-iss-ee>.

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As in, “Orpheus, your idiocy cost us our chance at happiness!”

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I’ll tell you more about that bonehead move later.

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It’s not like I’m still mad at him or anything. You’d just think that a genius

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musician capable of sweet talking his way into the underworld would have better impulse control.

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But whatever, it’s no big deal.

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My darling FeeFee really is a genius, though.

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Back in the day, he sailed into danger with Jason and the Argonauts.

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Don’t get them confused with Jackson and the Astronauts…they’re that Michael Jackson

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tribute band that opened for Orpheus in Portland.

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No, the Argonauts were the heroic dream team that sailed with Jason to find the Golden Fleece.

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Orpheus wasn’t there as hired muscle;

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he provided motivational music during the voyage.

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What, you don’t think that’s important? You try rowing across the sea with a bunch

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of unwashed men and no iPod!

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He also drowned out the singing of those man-eating Sirens.

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…

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No really. They liked to eat sailors!

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Fortunately, their tempting songs were no match for my man’s vocal cords. …

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Orpheus’s music could even make stones and trees move. …

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I guess you can see why a girl would fall for him. …

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We got married right away. It was a super-classy affair, with karaoke and limbo at the reception.

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I took a little walk outside to burn off some of those cake calories, and got bitten by a snake.

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Come on, really? So I died.

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For most couples, this would mean the end,

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but Orpheus used his powerful tunes to melt the hearts of Hades and Persephone.

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They actually let him into the realm of the dead to rescue me! There was only one condition.

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One. They literally said to him, “Orpheus. Don’t look at your wife until after you

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get her out.” Simple, right? So guess what he went and did anyway?

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He got one last look, and then I faded back into the underworld. Aw, Hades.

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To Orpheus’s credit, he felt extra guilty about my dying twice. He grieved for me, and

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sang incredibly sad songs that made the forest animals weep.

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Even the armadillos, and they are notoriously tough nuts to crack.

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Unfortunately, the roving band of murderous wood nymphs were not his biggest fans.

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Orpheus didn’t want to party with them, so they decided to throw things at him. …

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When that didn’t work, they tore him apart.

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Pretty gross.

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They flung Orpheus…or what was left of him… into the river, and his head floated downstream,

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still singing my name. …

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That’s right. I was his everything, even after death.

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Romeo and Juliet, eat your hearts out.

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