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The gods and heroes battle it out with monsters in the best of mythology.
Today we aren't looking for the most virtuous person, or most likeable, but rather the most disturbing. Will it be Echo, the nymph who is doomed to...
Hephaestus (Vulcan) 5843 Views
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Description:
Would you like to be immortal? We expected as much. But how about ifyou were ugly and your mother tossed you out of your home, giving you a limp for all eternity? Yeah, bet living forever doesn't sound so great under those conditions.
Transcript
- 00:05
Hephaestus, a la Shmoop.
- 00:07
My name is Hephaestus, and my life...sucks.
- 00:11
"Whatevs," you mortals probably say. "You're the god of fire, volcanoes, and blacksmiths.
- 00:16
You've got a sweet deal."
- 00:18
Oh, if only it were that simple...
Full Transcript
- 00:20
First of all, I'm ugly.
- 00:22
Fugly.
- 00:23
I don't mind saying it, because it's true.
- 00:25
I mean... look at this mug. I've stopped even bothering to look in mirrors.
- 00:29
Makes it tough to get ready in the morning... when you crack them all the time.
- 00:33
If that weren't bad enough, I'm also short...
- 00:35
Lumpy...
- 00:36
And I walk with a limp. You think it's easy being an ugly god?
- 00:39
Well, it's not.
- 00:40
Especially when every day on Mount Olympus is like a
- 00:43
coed version of America's Next Top Model.
- 00:47
So there you have it.
- 00:48
I may be the god of fire and volcanoes, but I'm not... smokin' hot.
- 00:52
Nobody's sure why I got hit with the ugly stick. I just came out that way.
- 00:56
Even my mother Hera, Queen of the Gods, was grossed out by me when I was born.
- 01:02
She was actually so disgusted by me that she tossed me off of Mt. Olympus.
- 01:05
Yeah, you heard that right.
- 01:08
My mother threw my infant body off of a mountain.
- 01:11
Luckily, gods are made of tougher stuff than you puny mortals...
- 01:14
...so when I crash-landed on the isle of Lemnos <<LEM-nose>>, I survived.
- 01:19
Some say my fall from Olympus is the reason why I've got this stupid limp.
- 01:23
So not only did my Mom abandon me, she crippled me for the rest of my immortal life.
- 01:29
Luckily, the gorgeous nymphs of Lemnos aren't as superficial and well...
- 01:32
let's just say "unkind"... as my Mom.
- 01:34
The nymphs raised me lovingly on Lemnos, and I somehow managed to build back my self-esteem.
- 01:39
Eventually, I built my famous forge inside of a volcano on Lemnos.
- 01:43
Before you knew it, everybody was talking about my awesome creations.
- 01:47
Some of my greatest hits include the indestructible armor of Achilles.
- 01:52
Though it probably would've worked out better for Achilles if I'd
- 01:54
made him a set of indestructible boots to go with it...
- 01:58
But hey, sandals were the style back then.
- 02:01
I also single-handedly invented the idea of the "pimped out ride"
- 02:05
when I made Helios the sun god's fiery chariot.
- 02:08
Even though life was getting better, I never got over how my Mom dissed me.
- 02:11
And therapy isn't cheap...
- 02:13
To get her back, I forged a beautiful golden throne.
- 02:16
Uh...what's the catch?
- 02:17
Well, Hera eventually realized that she could never get up from the throne again.
- 02:22
Think about how torturous it got when she had to pee,
- 02:24
and couldn't make it to... her other throne.
- 02:28
Eventually, the other gods convinced me to let her go, though.
- 02:31
Mom and I made peace...sort of...
- 02:33
and she even tolerated me coming up to Olympus once in a while.
- 02:36
Things were looking up.
- 02:37
Even though I was the ugliest god, I ended up marrying Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty.
- 02:43
Only in Hollywood, right?
- 02:45
A lot of gods were actually whispering that Zeus forced her into marrying me.
- 02:49
Could be.
- 02:50
Like pretty much every arranged marriage ever, mine lacked a little heat. OK, a lot of heat.
- 02:55
But I still couldn't keep my hands off of her.
- 02:58
The trouble was... she couldn't keep her hands off of everybody else.
- 03:01
Besides finding plenty of hints on the men's room walls of Olympus,
- 03:04
I also got a tip from my old buddy Helios.
- 03:07
The sun god told me that my wife had been sneaking around with the war god, Ares.
- 03:11
When I heard this, I really blew my top. So it was time once again for revenge.
- 03:15
Since a piece of trick furniture worked so well with Mom, I figured I'd try it again.
- 03:20
The next time Ares and Aphrodite spent some time together in my golden bed,
- 03:26
they were surprised when an inescapable golden net trapped them in their skivvies.
- 03:30
To shame them, I called all the gods to see them naked together.
- 03:33
It was then that it struck me.
- 03:35
Wasn't I just showing everybody exactly how pathetic I really was?
- 03:39
So, there you have it, mortals.
- 03:41
Being a god isn't everything it's cracked up to be.
- 03:44
And being ugly sucks just as much up here on Mount Olympus as it does on Earth.
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